Brains, Blood, Boomsticks, & Broods

Two movies, one title. I kind of felt like the kid who bought a potato gun kit, only to get home, open the box, and find a piece of pvc pipe and a can of spray paint. In other it wasn’t exactly what was on the box, but I could still have fun with it.

Dead Snow on the DVD box claims to provide boozing, sex, and all the insanity of a nazi infested horde. Like the potato gun it delivers on the idea, but skimps on the details. In other words, the closest it comes to a sex scene is a couple of characters grinding together inside of a latrine, and some sucking on a poopy finger. More head turning than fascinating. And the boozing? Well I never saw five adults drunk enough on a twelve pack of Norwegian light to make any bad decisions.

Sex scene spoiler?

On the other the second half of the movie delivers some fun kills, and innovative ways of torturing the living. What about the first half? Well it’s more like a snow mobile, heavy metal, music video. (Insert riff here) begin engine revving, watch him go up the hills, watch him go down the hill, go to your fridge and get another beer, come back to the couch and hope the second half of the movie starts.

The first half also spends a lot of time working it’s homage to the seminal directors and movies that came before it. Catchy in a few spots, but wear’s thin kinda fast. This movement, play, and visuals are definitely going to be bigger with a crowd that hasn’t stared at these movies for the previous 12 years.  In fact at point we were sure we were watching something from the eighties.

Is it worth it?

If you like: Intestines, brilliant shots of a glowing orange tent in the snow, exposed brains, “dirty” sex, snow mobile videos, loud noises, history of German’s in Norway, self mutilation, and frozen zombies that bleed

It doesn’t have: the scene on the poster, a reason for the first 30 minutes, smart characters, a lack of obvious foreshadowing, or cell phone reception

A definite fun jaunt through the snow. Just remember your beer, and not to leave your peers.

3/5 references to better movies

Schlock Night hit the road yesterday and attended the Rochester, NY ImageOut screening of ZMD: Zombies of Mass Destruction. Since I just watched Zombieland the night before it’s going to be tough not to make comparisons.

Truthfully ZMD was everything I wanted Zombieland to be, and if it had stepped off it’s soapbox at times it would have been damn near perfect. The kills were inspired! I mean they were thought of by someone who loves the genre, not just has the money to make them happen. In this instance they had the money as well, and it just serves to make them even more fun. It took me back to the days of Dead Alive.

What would have made it perfect? If they had chopped about 10 minutes out of it… We all agreed it started a little slow, leaving us to wonder if it would pick up. When it finally does get going it opens with what are now two of my top ten zombie movie scenes ever. I won’t spoil the movie, but as you jerk back in your seat laughing you’ll know you’ve seen them. It also would have been more fun if they had pulled some of the didactic parts. It’s a politically driven movie, but they often went out of their way to reiterate what the audience had just seen.

However, it’s a lot of fun and the more people you see it with the better it gets. It does have some pretty dark moments to balance the comedic tone, and would have been served best by leaving off the ending (or playing it during the credits). You’ll see. it’s well worth the watch.

What it has: Arms that are easily ripped off, zombies on fire, intestines, really nice makeup, shamblers, a gory coming out, a little girl with bad luck, poetic songs that will make you cry, and about 250 other reasons to go see it

What it doesn’t have: subtlety, anyone you’ll recognize, Romero parallels, nudity, any question on how the director feels about 9/11

.5 a point for the ending and .5 a point for the soapbox leave us with

4/5 purple fuzzy handcuffs

Well we took last week off, well we didn’t but I can’t call the movie we watched schlock and get away with it. So I went rogue last night and headed to the theatre for Zombieland. I’ve been excited about this one for months, but judging from the IMDB response I can tell my review is going to buck the current trend. Don’t worry I’m not going to go out and bash it like Woody Harrelson does reporters, however to say I left a little underwhelmed would be right on mark.

It certainly had the budget to kick ass and it does it well at every opportunity. In fact they may have retitled the film An Encyclopaedia of Zombie Kills. For once a movie doesn’t use up all it’s good footage in the previews. It uses it’s special effects to splay zombies in every fashion and every way. That part is fun. What isn’t so fun is it starts to feel like a video game that you’re watching. Yup. What’s that thing movies used to have back in the day? Oh yeah, a plot.

It lives and dies by it’s characters… breathing life in: one badass, blade wielding, insane Tallahassee (Woody Harrelson)… sucking the life out: an ocd, Michael Cera wannabe Colombus (Jesse Eisenberg). It’s not the actor’s fault. He plays Michael Cera well. However, 2 months into the freakin’ zombie apocalypse (of which there are apparently four survivors) the following no longer exist: electricity, RomComs, and people who contemplate their virginity.

I could keep going but you get the idea. It could have been the empty theatre, my heightened expectations, or that I’m judging Hollywood by schlock standards, but it fell short. However it does have: electricity, pot, Bill Murray, large caches of automatic weapons, manipulative female characters, flaming zombies, and a visual nod to Dale Earnhardt (thank you Aaron). What it doesn’t have: a good reason why it’s not connected to a controller, sex, intestines, plot twists.

I had fun. Although I got in trouble for being a “talkie”. I do fear a rash of these movies in the future, and I’ll feel compelled to watch them because they have zombie in the title. Tonight is a fine example as we head off (officially) to see Zombies of Mass Destruction (more on that tomorrow). For now as I vacillate between the 2.5 and 3 I’ll ride the wave.

3/5 Twinkies

If you haven’t read the review below you’ll find out we started the evening watching Deathbed (2002) when about 45 minutes into it we realized we were watching the wrong fucking Deathbed (for the right one see below). Unfortunately there wasn’t a copy of the right one laying around so we opted for The Beyond. Though it really wasn’t unfortunate. In fact, it was amazing. We were all quite please by Fulci’s efforts in Zombi 2, but this one really blew us out of the water. So much so we started rewatching it immediately after it ended. Now I’ve yet to read a review that can explain the plot to this one, and I’m not sure I have too good of a grasp, but it’s important to note that the gates of hell open. I’m pretty sure of that. And once the gates of hell open Fulci gives us every opportunity to see how people’s eyes are ripped out and zombies control the earth. It was almost everything I could ask for in a movie.

The gore factor in this one (keep in mind this was 1981) was brilliant. But it was so brilliant not only because of it’s visual gore but the audio as well. Directors back in the day knew how to use sound, and Fulci does a most excellent job here. There are definitely laughable moments (tarantulas on a stick) and plenty to make you turn your head. This movie is excellent alone or in a group, though alone I might be a little creeped out.

What it has: Creepy eyes, not so creepy eyes being ripped out, zombies, people falling backwards, massive basements full of water, Joe the Jesus loving plumber, acid washed faces, and lots of blood squirting goodness

What it doesn’t have: footsteps for blind sages, a translation for Eibon, a happy ending

This movie, by all present, was considered exceptional. And better yet since you’re not too worried about the plot feel free to scream, groan, and gush over the beautiful effects and lighting.

5/5 shots to the head

We have a schlock night first: we took out a movie and put in a new one. Here’s the problem (please don’t repeat it) we thought we were watching Death Bed: The Bed that Eats (1977) what we got was Stuart Gordon’s myopic piece of trash Deathbed (2002). Now if your a brilliant individual like Lucio Fulci you can follow up Argento’s Zombi (a remix of Romero’s Dawn of the Dead) with Zombi 2 because you’ll give your viewers their money’s worth. Or reuse the name Black Sheep because if you thought Chris Farley was funny you’re gonna be even happier when zombie sheep show up in your movies by mail. However, if you’re a shoddy director trying to lure schlock seekers in with plagiarized title you should be nailed to the bare walls you recorded your lame ass movie against. We hate you Stuart Gordon. In fact I might rename this blog Stuart Gordon Sucks. Fortunately we had a copy of Fulci’s The Beyond

Could be good... we'll see.

Avoid this one!

around. See it’s review and tune in soon for the review of the true Death Bed: The Bed that Eats.

Why it sucked: They didn’t water the plants on set, the walls had nothing on them, it looked more like a bad porn set (without the porn), nobody was even remotely interesting

Why it didn’t suck: on our copy the audio track was off by a second and it was fun to watch the actors/actresses lips move and then wonder what would actually be said.

.5 (half)/5 a lame director