Brains, Blood, Boomsticks, & Broods

Everybody I know has seen this movie. In fact I dare so almost everyone I know has seen multiple Rob Zombie movies. Saturday was my day to lose my RZ virginity. So I went rogue, leaving schlockfest to suffer through some unseen crap on Wednesday and had what I would argue was a most enjoyable experience. All the recommendations had left me with high expectations, which inevitably left me skeptical, especially given the lofty and legendary standards of the original. (You have seen the original right? Of course you have, because you wouldn’t consider watching a remake without seeing what was so worthy of being remade. If for some reason you haven’t, watch it first. Unless of course you’re some sick individual who would watch Spiderman and say you know Sam Raimi.)

What’s really nice about RZ’s Halloween is that you know he’s a fan. He’s not just  a director with an ego and a checkbook. He gets the genre (at least here) and gives the fans what they want. What’s successful is that he approaches Halloween as part prequel/part remake, and even though he clocks in at 110 minutes he makes every bit of it worthwhile. You’re lured into believing Michael Myers’ past exists even amid the leaps and cliches. A word of caution is that I was able to completely divest myself of the original when watching, however if you do a head on comparison you’ll be sorely disappointed.

Given the high production value and the resources that were used it can hardly be considered schlock, but RZ’s Halloween is definitely worth a watch* and maybe even a few high shrilled screams.

*I realize this review sounds like gushing by a newly enamored viewer, however, it’s not without it’s flaws. There’s just nothing to really keep you from watching unless you’re squeamish.

What it has: Homage to horror (Silence of the Lambs, Halloween), boobs, a view into Michael Myers childhood, breasts, sister love, female pectoral muscles, the infamous knife, John Carpeneter’s theme music, traditional stereotype roles (reluctant sheriff, the doubted psychiatrist, dumb redecks, dead fornicators, angry stepfathers, etc…), scenes where a bra is removed, crucial scenes from the original, and a really kickin’ van

What it’s missing:  plausible escape scenario, development of the subplots, a lot of gore (thankfully), pot smokers, a reason we should care about the picture of Michael Myer’s eyes, and an explanation for why they would have sex in Michael Myer’s house when he owns that amazing van

3.5/5 paper mache masks

Schlock night is in need of a huge shot of adrenaline. Puddles of drool have been collecting from everyone sleeping through the previous features (I even skipped one because I couldn’t stay awake long enough to pass along anything pertinent). With Daybreakers headed to the big screen I thought it would be a good time to look into the Spierig brothers debut film, Undead. The story behind this movie is they made it for $1 million dollars, which is somehow considered a small budget. Maybe if you’re James Cameron, but if you’re the up and coming indie director you can stretch that a long ways and they proved it…. for a whopping 98 minutes.

The thing about schlock: You know you’re diving into crap, that’s part of the fun, but don’t make it an endurance piece. However, had they taken the cleaver to this film and lopped out about 15 minutes of people turning corners, running up and down staircases, and shining flashlights at the camera it would have bee a really good flick. It definitely had the most complicated plot of any schlock we’ve watched, and they really went all out with their special effects.

Was it the defibrillator that we needed to get us going again? Nope. But it certainly wasn’t the pillow over our face that sends us into the great beyond.

What it has: alien abductions, triple barrel shotgun, people turning corners, quadruple barrel shotgun, inept police, australian accents, zombie fish, stupid people doing stupid things, really nice decapitations, more people turning corners, zombies, scenes to build tension that don’t build tension, room for a sequel

What it’s missing: a sharp editor, a real reason not to watch it, rules for how the zombies die, and at this point I’m thinking: many memorable moments

To be honest I’m probably being a bit harsh on this one, but I was hoping for a lot. It’s worth a view, but it’s probably not going to give you all the kicks you want.

2.8/5 acid raindrops

Happy New Year, and here’s to hoping that Monsturd isn’t indicative of what we’ll be watching for the next 12 months. This was a big night. We were saying goodbye to Gamera, aka Lindsay, we welcomed two new schlockers to the group (well until they watched this), and the highlight of the evening was an argument on whether Monsturd or The Mad was a worse movie. I hands down believed this one was worse. Jake said that due to budget and cast the letdown of The Mad made it worse, but I swear in the background Luke was muttering to himself “why? why do I come?”

There’s really not a lot to say here. The monster was actually kind of nice, however the rest of the movie was shot like a porn minus the sex. There were sparse sets, locations that made no sense, and dialogue that played out like actors who were more concerned about being fluffed than intonation. That said, aside from the quote on the cover from Rue Morgue advising to the contrary, this movie wasn’t something I expected a lot from. The only real question it left me with is: who the hell did the director know to get this thing on Netflix On Demand?

I’ve read some reviews that say it moves beyond potty jokes and poopy one liners. However, when one of the central characters is Jack Schmidt (as in “You don’t know Jack Schmidt?”) and one of the final scenes involves diapered heroes I can’t say that it does. The movie did have a few opportunities, but it never went far enough. The diapered heroes are still wearing pants. Why? The Turd monster actually looks really good, but it’s only on screen for a sum total of 20 seconds. Why? You could have made a really decent 25 minute movie, but it’s 80 minutes long. Why?!

I’d suggest watching the trailer on youtube. You get the gist minus the lost minutes of your life.

What it has: a ten year old narrator, flies, poop, pepto bismol, the ability to keep people from coming back to schlock night (in Jude’s words: This movie makes me want to mark your email address as spam)

What it’s missing: a reason for me to write anymore about it

.5/5 refillable tequila bottles