Brains, Blood, Boomsticks, & Broods

Maybe I’m reacting to the hype. Maybe I’m a bad critic. Or just maybe the camera was shaking so freaking much I was always cognizant of the fact I was watching a bad movie. (Don’t hate me cause I’m honest.) I’m not going to sit here and pick it apart, but c’mon, your premise is that a news crew is filming this entire event. Why does it need to look like you strapped the camera to the back of a gorilla and threw bananas against the wall. I saw Cloverfield, I can hang, but this was simply too much. I was never able to divest myself from the fact I was staring at a shaking image, and because of that there were no scares or thrills, only a lot of eyerubbing.

Funny, Scary, or... "Jake. Wake Up!"

Then there was the plot. There are throngs of forums of people ready to make love to this film and declare it the Citizen Kane of horror. Why? The story wasn’t new. The acting was typical. And decisions by the characters were bland. No one broke a window; did something morally deprave; hell, even the source of the virus was given deniable plausibility by trying to do the right thing in God’s eyes. There were plenty of opportunities for these questionable acts to happen. For instance when we’re watching the Health Inspector through the window, but even this scene makes the conspiracy fall apart. He was just trying to do the right thing!

All this said, it wasn’t the worst movie I’ve ever seen or even truly bad. [REC] just really rubbed me the wrong way because of all the hype. It doesn’t live up. If you were a child in the 90s and missed Blair Witch Project and saw this in the theatres… maybe I get it? However, it fails itself on so many levels it’s frustrating. Why doesn’t anyone go crazy and do something irrational? Why do TV sets still work when the power in the building is out? Why? Why? Why? I’ll stop. Hell, watch it. Everyone else seems to be in love with it, but I’m not enamored.

What it’s got: Fast zombies, Old ladies in panties, Graphic bite wounds, A tailor shop with stretchers, A cameraman with DT’s, Plastic drapes, a dumbass health inspector, religious overtones, rabid dogs, angry children, an introduction whose sole purpose was to push this into 80 minute range

What it’s missing: a reason for the hype, a working cure, pyrotechnics, a budget (but I’m cool with that), a reason why we’re watching it in the first place (not sarcastically, but plot wise), any moral ambiguity in the character’s actions

Lower your expectations, turn on the dubbing, enjoy the show?

2/5 Festival Awards

I guess I’m on a bit of a remake kick in my personal time, and please don’t think less of me. This week I took one for the team and watched the Day of the Dead remake that went straight to DVD. I’ve said before I don’t make comparisons to the original, and I won’t make any exception here (there are that many synonyms for abomination).

"Pretty please with sugar on top may I act like a badass?"

Truthfully though… it wasn’t terrible, but it wasn’t good either. I’m wondering if Mena Suvari is considering a claim that a body double played the whole role for her. Maybe it was a fun side project, but definitely not a step up. Ving Rhames also shows up in this Romero remake, but he’s not as ass kickingly cool as he was in the Dawn of the Dead from 2004.

****Next Paragraph is a vague spoiler section (not really much to spoil though) skip to the ***** if you want to miss it

Typical story, follows most traditional/remake horror rules: black people don’t fare so well, teenagers who have sex don’t do so well unless you’re of relation to the protagonist, and government agents and their conspiracies get there due

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The zombies are freakin’ weird with some heavy hands on the CGI and excessive speeding of sequences in the editing room. It’s probably a taste thing, but the pacing just didn’t work. It’s a Romero concept with 28 Days Later zombies. I had a hard time visually digesting that one. The makeup was nice, though rushed in parts, which is probably the biggest asset the movie has to offer. (Trust me, you’re not flipping this one on because of the plot).

I did end up rooting for Nick Cannon’s character Salazar a lot simply because he has some of the best kills in the movie. There are some nice (don’t read great) special effects sequences. Absolutely nothing is here for the brain though, and if you are a die hard Romero fan skip it, you’ll probably end up pulling your eyeball out and eating it before the movies over.

What it’s got: Fast zombies, big budget, massive flame thrower, evil scientist genius, a lot of driving (how big is this small town anyway?), intelligent zombies (oxymoron?), a plot that was written while sniffing glue, government conspiracies (surprise!), a bizarre sequence where the town substation blows the whole town blacks out and then mysteriously regains power, and a blu-ray release (really?!?!)

What it’s missing: the scene where Ving Rhames is castrated (wtf?), respect for parents, decent burials, a lack of residue after burning, helicopters (c’mon where are the helicopters?), trigger locks in gun shops, acting

No surprises here. You want to watch zombies. You get to watch zombies. Would I pick it up over say re-watching 28 Days, the original Day of the Dead, or an episode of Lassie? Probably not, but it wasn’t painful.

2/5 zip ties

Hey. What’s that stuff movies used to have back in the day? Oh that’s right, plot. And this movie is just what Schlock Night needed to continue breathing life into what was becoming a weekly buildup of apprehension. Who knows maybe after this week we’ll be off life support.

On the cover The Living Dead at Manchester Morgue is described as the best zombie movie ever made. A tall order by anyone’s standards. Does it deserve to be called the best? I may not go that far, but it definitely wins in some aspects. And what was that? It’s Italian title was what? Yup. Zombi 3. So how does Zombi 3 fall into the great lineage of  Romero and Fulci when it actually predates both “Zombi” features. I won’t delve into the tedium. It wouldn’t be schlocky of me, but if you’re interested visit this site (and thank Jude for finding it).

What made this movie successful? Is it too cliche to say it had heart? Maybe at times it even loves Night of the Living Dead so much it becomes predictable, but you enjoy the ride nonetheless. It’s characters are memorable and the zombie attacks are ludicrously hysterical. While it does push a little bit of gore factor it definitely won’t appeal to the torture porn enthusiasts. However, it will resonate with high brow movie connoisseur and old school horror enthusiasts alike. You really can’t go wrong here.

What it has: A streaker, dubbing, one of the more memorable zombies of all time, intelligent zombies (they exist now), ultrasonic radiation (yup, that exists too), heroin, skeptical police, cars Jake would die for, and an excellent elevator scene

What it’s missing: an abundance of sound, tolerance for authority, excessive gore, a reason to pass up on this classic

Though it nears perfection I can’t say it’s the best or perfect, but it’s damn close.

4.5/5 radioactive, cannibalistic ants

This movie made me nervous, in two ways. The first time I was nervous began after a really amazing opening that left the whole group in awe and laughing at it’s twisted nature. For the next twenty minutes I feared that somebody had copied Sisterhood of the Traveling Cave Dwellers on the DVD, but then the movie began and so did a new type of nervous. Seldom does a movie (especially of the caliber we watch) succeed on such a high level with it’s setting.

wait for it.....

Much like RZs Halloween has you question why you’d have sex in a imprisoned serial killer’s house, The Descent makes you think caving is the stupidest idea since Russian Roulette. The movie is uncomfortable and claustrophobic, which was voiced by schlockers multiple times during the viewing. The scenes are dark, the spaces are tight, and it translates really well for the viewer.

You must be warned that there are about 20 minutes early on that don’t further the plot and  only leave you on the edge of you’re seat if you’re trying to imagine the winner of the pillow fight that never happens. My thinking was that they were attempting to reach the almighty 80 minute mark and this was the fluffer to get there. However, it manages to hit the unwieldy 100 minute mark of schlock so I’m not sure who this segment was supposed to appeal to, as none of our varied demographic cared  about whether Suave or White Rain smells better.

What it had: Albino fanged cave dwellers, ice axes (when caving), bad sense of direction, foreshadowing, tensions over an affair, blood bath ode to Carrie, many reasons to enjoy life on the surface, copper pipes, lots of stupid decisions, compound fractures, and were those mammoth bones?

What it was missing: pillow fights, an exit strategy, a sensible use of battery life, and Sigourney Weaver (no way those freaky, fanged albino would have feasted that long)

In the end  there was plenty of blood and the movie finished really well. The Descent wasn’t perfect, but it was definitely a good time.

4/5 phosphorescent rocks