Brains, Blood, Boomsticks, & Broods

We’ve been supposed to watch this one for a while. In fact almost every week for three months it’s been on the list as the movie to watch. However, it’s always been supplanted by some other director’s dream that couldn’t gurgle above mediocrity. Fearful that all of the buildup would lead to a massive schlockfest meltdown we went for it.

A Cat in the Brain is Fulci’s homage to…. well, Fulci. And dammit, we at schlockfest like Fulci. We like Fulci so much we laid the burden of saving schlockfest squarely on this director’s shoulders. That’s right, schlockfest has hit a low. With the crap we watch it’s a painful event more akin to a marathon. The greatest reward is being able to say you finished, and for some of us that includes a nap. And the only people you can share your victories with are the ones who endured with you.

The movie opens brilliantly, and then gets stuck in a rut it never emerges from. Collectively we decided the biggest issue with the movie was Fulci actually trying to work within a plot. Normally he operates under the pretense of a plot and takes his movies anywhere he pleases. In this instance he operated under the pretense NO plot and somehow got stuck in one. He used the same scenes over and over and over, and just when you thought he wouldn’t do it again… you get it.

He also took an interesting direction in trying to describe his lack of personal sanity, but he doesn’t really succeed there unless you call his failure a personal triumph as an example of insanity. Have I lost you yet? Good. Because that’s the mindset you need to be in to watch this one. It was by far the weakest effort of the three Fulci movies we’ve watched. The other problem I think is that you’re watching a director of a niche genre make reference to his whole catalog of niche films. (Something along the lines of Horror>Foreign Horror>Foreign Horror Schlock>Foreign Horror Schlock Directors>Personal catalogs of that directors films) Though if that’s the case it would be our fault for not watching more Fulci movies…. and I guess that’s a good place to leave it: A Cat in the Brain is for the extremely well seasoned Fulci watcher, hold off until you know all his children by name and what his grandfather’s favorite vineyard is.

What it has: that damn guy with a chainsaw, a cat eating a brain, hypnosis, a piano wire, a really great trailer, token eye scene, gore, and psychosis

What it’s missing: Well… like any good fulci film it has almost everything, even fulci himself

Be warned… it’s a lot slower than the trailer… and wait till you have a few other Fulci’s under your belt.

2.5/5 metronomes

Schlock is conducive to creating an adage about high expectations, and The Burrowers served as a prime example. Well the first thing is: it certainly isn’t schlock. However, we adjusted, switched mindsets and hunkered down for what was a highly recommended flick. All of us in the room, mind you, are not only horror fans, but Western junkies as well. What could be better? Last week: sheep meet zombies, this week: John Wayne takes on the undead…

... but she's so cold, pa.

Except it didn’t really come together that way. It was the quietest schlock night we’ve had in a while. There wasn’t a tremendous amount to laugh at, the scares were nonexistent and the cinematography was there, but nothing amazing. When it was all said and done and the credits were rolling Jude summed it up best with”It was a mediocre western, a mediocre horror, and the sum of it’s parts was less than…” Less than what?! But like the wise sage that he is, he had already disappeared before we could ask.

If you think it’s a flick for you:  you’ll get just as much enjoyment out of it by yourself as you would with a group. Save it for a night when you have nothing else to do.

What it has: racial tensions, people on horses, people underneath the ground, people on horses riding across open fields, people in uniforms chasing people underground, evil people (mainly the one’s on horses, in uniforms, chasing the people underground), native people, and finally that “oh shit, you showed us the monster moment”

What it’s missing: some singularly badass protagonist that makes it a western worth watching; aliens; spaceships; a cool reason for the burrowers other than the tired, cliched one we always get; a Penelope Cruz intermission

As you can see there was nothing here that blew us away, and there was really nothing to hate. All in all we were just a bit indifferent.

2/5 translation errors

I’ve been lazy. I haven’t been writing, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t been watching. Black Sheep, not the Chris Farley movie from the 90s, is one of my favorites. It’s like going home to chicken fried steak, mashed potatoes/gravy and creamed corn. It’s all you could ever want, and you leave satisfied. It also gives me hope that amazing horror comedy can still be made.

So it’s no surprise that when I had a group of nonschlockers over wanting to have a good time I pulled this one off the shelf. Why else? Because by the end of the movie 6/7 people spent the whole movie laughing, and the seventh person spent the whole movie hiding behind a pillow squealing with fear from the zombie sheep. Oh, that’s right, zombie sheep.

The movie takes one of the more humanist countries, gives them  greedy capitalists, and pits them against the most fearful herbivores to ever munch grass. And if that’s not enough of a plot (at least by schlock standards) it goes everywhere a sheep movie can go, everywhere. And while it goes there, it looks really good. Weta Workshops did the special effects (same company that did Lord of the Rings).

But enough babbling, here’s what it has: zombie sheep, methane gas, golden shear awards, Experience, hippies, International investors, Frau fetish scientist, cattle dog, acupuncture, evil older brothers, and a genetically altered wool sheep’s coat guaranteed to be softer when you grab it from the sides

What it’s missing: anybody you’ll recognize, the Fiords, neighbors, or cows

I’m sure you’ve already seen it, but in case you haven’t…

5/5 Baaaaaas at the moon