Archive for June, 2014

The Sentinel (1977) (watched 6/15/14)

Posted in 4 Brains with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 06/17/2014 by schlockfest

Looking for an engaging 70s flick that may have flown under the radar? Look no further, but be warned: The Sentinel is no schlocky bloodbath. It’s a genuine buildup, skincrawler that will having you checking for your Baptism records. It’s no party flick though. There’s too much nuance, which would be lost in side conversations, and the performances/plot are a blast for any half serious cinephile.

Allllisssssoooonnn.....

Allllisssssoooonnn…..

Director Michael Winner came blasting out of the oppressive fog of the Hays Code with Charles Bronson. He cements his commitment to the edgy, boundary pushing vision he should be remembered for with The Sentinel. Priests at the pulpit had to brimming with damnation for anyone in the pews who went to see it, and teenagers everywhere had a brand new morality tale to guide the decisions of their youth (can’t spoil it here). Suffice to say, The Sentinel has moments that make you feel awkward and a few that might even keep you up at night pondering. Some would argue it has one of the top five jump scares of all time.

It’s based (verbatim) on a novel of the same name from 1974 (one year after The Exorcist was released). I found it in a dollar bin of my local Top’s grocery store and blew through it in few days. It was creepy. I couldn’t imagine the film topping it, but Christina Raines brings Allison to life beautifully, and the events that unfold in and around her apartment manage to leave you curious and revolted. And if that’s not enough Christopher Walken manages to drop a few lines. Skip the book, watch the movie (first time I’ve ever said, honestly.)

Whereas The Exorcist is a good vs evil struggle for power, The Sentinel is more of a conspiratorial, darker side of repenting. It struck me as creepy and more personal. The interconnected nature of good and evil in this film don’t battle. Rather, they create a symbiotic union that forges fodder for the other, and which seems to have endless implications. Personally, I’d pick this one over The Exorcist, but it’s certainly worth the watch so you can make your own decisions…

Goodnight Moon.

Goodnight Moon.

4/5 shaking chandeliers

What it has: models, crucifixes, confessions, cat and a canary, daguerreotypes, cryptic latin passages, zombies, hallucinations, affairs, cheap New York apartments, a blind priest, a birthday party for a cat, and masturbation

What it’s missing: a seal of approval from the Catholic church, rodents, and a higher rating on IMDB

 

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Level 7 (watched 6/16/14)

Posted in 1 Brain, Should've been 45 minutes with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 06/17/2014 by schlockfest

If it weren’t already difficult enough to be my friend, I make some poor schlocker choose a movie from a pile of “films” I’ve pre-selected, that way they can take the fall when things turn out like they did tonight. The only thing worse than the movie tonight was that Pat had to take the fall for selecting it (He’s pretty much the nicest one among us). Crissy passed on it two weeks ago, Luke saw a brighter future in Happy Birthday to Me, but Pat was brave enough to stand in front of the projector tonight and say ” I choose this one. I choose the mutated zombie people from North Carolina, and here’s your awesome spicy pineapple tequila drink.”

IMG_8069

Just talking about life during the apocalypse, again.

I need to preface this review by saying not only are we extremely supportive of independent cinema (I mean some of my closest friends make films), but we have a BIG appreciation for what it takes to make a movie, even a crappy one. But if you’re reading this, and thinking about making a film, here’s the biggest piece of advice I can give: Less is more. Level 7 is a whopping 110 minutes long and about 70 minutes too long at that. We spent a lot of the film wondering why we had to see the previous 3-4 minutes of footage. For instance, if you’re getting in a car I don’t need to know that you took the keys from your purse, put them in the door, pulled the handle, took the keys out of the door, put them in the ignition, turned the keys, well you get the idea. Some of this shit is implied! And if your mom leaves you to babysit your younger sibling (who’s probably in college) they ain’t gonna give you their cell phone number (yup, that happened).

In between making fun of the movie, which is what we do best, the schlockers faces portrayed a sort of ambivalence about life in general while they stared at the screen. I believe a couple of them were pondering if this feeling was equivalent to purgatory. At 40 minutes in we took a unanimous vote to move it up to 1.5x speed. And a collective sigh of relief was felt when we realized the credits took up the final 8 minutes.

IMG_8074

“How did she drown??? She’s so buoyant!”

Was the movie really that bad? Ummmmm, No. Should they have made room in the budget for a tripod? Yes. (and no this was not a Blair Witch/ Cloverfield aesthetic). Were there a lot of special effects including gore, condom like intestines, gun shots, and runaway extras from The Walking Dead? Yes. Did you have to wade through a shit ton of dialogue that didn’t advance “the plot” or sound realistic outside of a porno? Yes.

All in all the first half hour of the movie was a testament to how awesome my fellow schlockers are. We laughed, made fun of each other, made fun of the movie, and made fun of Jake. But then the round of drinks ran out, and the chips started to scrape at the bottom of a dish which once held BLT dip (you don’t wanna know how awesome this stuff was), and nothing short of a porno slaughter, Bruce Campbell cameo, hundred dollar bill falling out of the case could have saved this mess. We REALLY, REALLY, REALLY wanted to like this movie, but in the end there was just too much to love.

1/5 leopard tattoos

What it has: a cautionary statement about breast implants, overdoses, sex through underwear, expensive cars, wheelchair victim, false ending, a great premise, nuevo Japan, lotsa guns, a feel for small town Carolina, and a need for a good editor.

What it’s missing: natural dialogue, virgins, outtakes as main footage (there were some nice moments there), and confidence in the viewer to read between the lines

Drink of the night:

Escort through Purgatory

4 parts tequila

1 part agave nectar

6 parts pineapple juice

tabasco to taste

squeeze of lime

cilantro to taste

Serve over ice.

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Happy Birthday To Me (watched 6/10/14)

Posted in 3 Brains with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 06/10/2014 by schlockfest

Happy Birthday to Me has been on our schlock list for a very, very, very, very long time. I think we’ve been thinking about watching this one for at least 18 months. Well we finally did, in a tequila fueled, Pat missing (okay Jen too), lemon bar gorging event that seemed to go on for hours.

Would you like it skewered?

Would you like it skewered?

The thing about HBTM is it’s deceptive on so many levels. Everything about the exterior screams schlock from the cover art of the skewer stabbing the head to the bizarre title to the even more prolific “acting”. However, once you delve into this 111 minute flick (that’s right almost 2 freaking hours!!) you realize the mind boggling complexity you’ve stepped into. Primer? Memento? How about Where in the Fucking World is Carmen Sandiego? Because by the time this bloodfest ends, the only things you can be sure of, are some people died and they all went to the same school. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like chasing Fulci through hell or encountering Death Bed: The Bed that Eats. Happy Birthday to Me is probably a legitimate whodunnit, but by the end you may not know schlock from Shinola.

The murder scenes are completely original and I sure as hell ain’t gonna ruin them for you. They definitely got some yells from us, and had us looking forward to the next one. HBTM does fall in that black hole of the early eighties where nudity wasn’t really used much less considered. How many of you wear a bra under your robe after taking your underwear off? Didn’t think so. Don’t expect much in this category except the men’s shorts. They don’t leave a whole lot to the imagination. Think Andouillette saran wrapped to a mannequin and you’re pretty much there.

Hello big guy

Hello big guy

There was a lot of buildup and hope going into this schlock night and it didn’t let us down. Jake would have bumped the score up if there were some canapes to go with all the andouillette, but on the whole there wasn’t a lot to dislike and a lot more to love. It’s fun but goes a bit long trying to tie the plot together. The end alone is such macabre awesomeness it deserves shclockolades of the highest order. Watch it with some friends and make fun of the one y’all pretend to like during the slow moments. Stay tuned next week when Pat returns with  tasty beverages and snacks (oh yeah, and Jen too) and picks the movie. It should be awful.

3.5/5 Blue and Gray scarves

What it has: Creepy old man touching (Hello SIDE BOOB!), Daredevil motorcycle jumping, Creepy Haircuts, Daredevil car jumping, Norman Bates as an old man, Revelatory police, Romantic fires, Prelude to Scream, Embroidered panties, Red herrings, and it wouldn’t be complete without a birthday cake

What it’s missing: a good canadian accent, a good reason for the killings, you not watching it

Agh! I almost forgot the drink of the night:

Watermelon Jalapeno margaritas

5 Cups cubed watermelon, pureed and mashed through a sieve

1/8 cup simple syrup

1/2 C lime juice (I would add more next time)

1/2 C Citronage (or triple sec)

1 C Jalapeno infused tequila (a schlocker at large made ours)

1/2 C of Blanco tequila

Mix together, chill up to an hour and serve over ice.

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The Grabbers (watched 6/02/14)

Posted in 2 Brains, 3 Brains with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 06/04/2014 by schlockfest
Would you go out with me?

Would you go out with me?

Irish Horror. ef ye kin fechin rid theis than yer off ter a gurd sturt. Yup. I’m not sure if we didn’t get to our bottom of Redbreast fast enough, or we just should have had the subtitles turned on. Though I don’t think it would have mattered. Sometimes two good people meet for a date, but the chemistry just isn’t there. I think in some ways the movie tried to explain this aspect of life. I’m not sure though, the dialogue in the many, many, many, many, many scenes of the man and the woman talking was a little choppy. It could have been the  accents or possibly J.E. talking about teabagging his cats. The latter was way more interesting.

Now I’m not trying completely write-off The Grabbers. The monster is incredible CGI with a pulsating orifice that drips an invitation, and lures you closer to the screen before it extends it’s tentacle, reaches through, and pummels you over and over until you’re breathless. And just when you though it might be out of energy, it picks you up and takes you for another round. Did I mention it looked an awful lot like vagina dentata with legs? Jake said it was a Kraken, but I agreed with Pat when he said it looked like a cream pie.

At the end of the night the schlockers rated this between a 2 and a 2.5. Most of the disappointment came from it feeling like an almost complete homage, which didn’t lend anything new to the genre. I mean sure you kill the monster by having a high BAC, but everything else felt like a really nicely budgeted PG-13 mashup of Aliens, Gremlins, Shaun of the Dead, and Jaws. In theory that sounds  cool, but it fell flat for us. Like I said though, it may just not have been the right movie for us. “It’s me, not you.”

As a relevant side note: in our very low brow opinion there’s no room for romance in a horror/monster/schlock film. Nobody watching cares if they get married, have babies or live happily every after. Characters romantic proclivities should include: drinking, fornicating, drugs, slaughtering, or talking about any of the above in a way that makes us laugh. For the love of schlock: Did Bruce Campbell get sexy by talking about the meaning of life? NO. He fucking chopped of his hand, attached a chainsaw, and used a boomstick to kill demons. He didn’t get sober and promise someone he’d make a good dad. Okay, sorry. I’m done.

Allright I’m torn. The group was a low 2. I’ll give it:

2.5/5 fecks, but I’ll put it in the 2 and 3 brains categories because I could see it having a soul mate somewhere.

What it has: great effects, lot’s of drinking, obsessions with alien eggs, a reason for a sequel (sigh), lots of romantic overtures, alien face peeing, cream pie alien, alien longing for alien, and some abominable fake drunk acting

What it doesn’t have: a dog, a translator, rewatch value, good alien luck (allergic to alcohol and you crash land in Ireland), marijuana (just beer and whisky here), a reason why it goes after people when there’s a whole fucking ocean full of good prey (on second thought they may have talked about it, but I didn’t hear), an explanation for aliens (thankfully)

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Friday the 13th Part III (watched 5/30/14)

Posted in 3 Brains with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 06/01/2014 by schlockfest

Continuing with my rogue viewing I went on to watch Part III a few hours later. Undead Jason, who clearly should have been killed when he was a wee young lad, is at it again making a wreck out of what clearly should have been worry free weekend of teenage sex-u-al intercourse. This episode is where the series clearly begins to own it’s campiness. Friday the 13th Part III has all the obligatory tropes: Bikers, Old Man warning, the prude, the jokester, cars that run out of gas (though they made this work), hanging bodies,

Steve Miner, the director, (who also did Part II) was definitely feeling the latitude here. The effects step over the line of cheese precedents set by the previous two films, and the inability of the characters to recognize danger is quite amazing. “What? You’re pointing a harpoon gun at me. Oh stop playing around and help me come find my contact.” It’s not problematic at all. The combination of these elements and  the production’s ability to recognize it’s place in the franchise make it all the more fun. Is it cheesy? Sure. Is it silly? Of Course. And full of cliches? Hell yeah, but they may not have been then.

I watched this one alone, battling an stupid head cold, while the rest of my compatriots were out “team building”. I think that’s doing the things the teenagers get killed for in these campy horror films. It doesn’t matter though: alone, together it’s plenty of fun. There’s a million places you can read the plot summary for this one, but don’t. Just go watch the damn thing. It’s worth every minute.

3.5/5 crochet needles

What it has: THE hockey mask (finally!), Mice, a bunny, Fish Food, fly eggs, knives, religious  zealot, hammock, shower scene, nerd revenge, a harpoon gun, and yet another PTSD case

What it’s missing: Any way to kill Jason

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