Brains, Blood, Boomsticks, & Broods

I know. I know. This movie doesn’t belong on this blog. And please believe me when I say I’m not the voice of dissent for the sake of dissenting, but I felt like somebody needed to be the big warning sticker on this movie that said “Save yourself 2 hours”. Right now it has an 8.2 rating on IMDB. For me that’s  something akin to driving down the interstate where you see a nasty accident and miles of cars stopped in anticipation of moving again. A little further down the road you see cars moving freely about to get lodged in the epic traffic jam that is Her. I was moving freely at 8:00. I got my life back at 10:00.

It started off with a tremendous amount of promise like most trips into the Adirondacks on a 4th of July weekend, but about 20 minutes in it became an epic mess of relationship awkwardness. The last line I remember enjoying was “choke me with the dead cat”. After that, I felt like I was a voyeur on the sad pathetic potential of our digitally interwoven future. It’s an excellent premise, and the Director of Photography contributed some pristine moments which question our relationship with these digital devices we carry around, but the medium was ultimately tried, tired, and laughable for it’s didactically trite metaphors.

Looking at Ted, which you do a lot of.

I’m biased. I watch a lot of crap. My wife loves the romantic flicks though. She’s a real sucker for them. In fact in the realm of Venn diagrams our movie overlap is very, very, very, very tiny. So small we tend to agree on parts of movies instead of the whole thing. That said, most movies we watch fall into one of our categories of appreciation. Her failed both of us. We’re not the be all end all, but it’s a pretty big fucking achievement.

I know few people will ever stumble across this post, and fewer still will heed the warning. Regardless here’s some advice on how to prepare yourself:

1) Set the expectation bar to low.

2) Imagine the movie is renamed Watching Ted Twombly’s Face

3) Make lot’s of snacks, bring a book, possibly a video game (whatever kept you company in those quiet awkward moments after your parents got into an argument, that’s pretty much how you’ll spend an hour of the film).

4) Once Scarlett Johansson starts talking (and it hurts to say this), bump it up to 3x speed. She does a fine job, but the “Best Original Screenplay” suggests there were a TON of remakes last year…

Be your own judge (really don’t, just skip the damn thing) but for me it was:

2/5 elevator rides

What it has: Swearing animated figures, boiling tea kettle, ear buds, 100 minutes of awkwardness, dynamic facial gestures by Joaquin Phoenix, an excellent aesthetic sense, weird pants, and a whole new realm of ChatRoulette

What it’s missing: Anything that wasn’t covered in Say Anything, litter, poor folks, body on body intercourse

We’ve been supposed to watch this one for a while. In fact almost every week for three months it’s been on the list as the movie to watch. However, it’s always been supplanted by some other director’s dream that couldn’t gurgle above mediocrity. Fearful that all of the buildup would lead to a massive schlockfest meltdown we went for it.

A Cat in the Brain is Fulci’s homage to…. well, Fulci. And dammit, we at schlockfest like Fulci. We like Fulci so much we laid the burden of saving schlockfest squarely on this director’s shoulders. That’s right, schlockfest has hit a low. With the crap we watch it’s a painful event more akin to a marathon. The greatest reward is being able to say you finished, and for some of us that includes a nap. And the only people you can share your victories with are the ones who endured with you.

The movie opens brilliantly, and then gets stuck in a rut it never emerges from. Collectively we decided the biggest issue with the movie was Fulci actually trying to work within a plot. Normally he operates under the pretense of a plot and takes his movies anywhere he pleases. In this instance he operated under the pretense NO plot and somehow got stuck in one. He used the same scenes over and over and over, and just when you thought he wouldn’t do it again… you get it.

He also took an interesting direction in trying to describe his lack of personal sanity, but he doesn’t really succeed there unless you call his failure a personal triumph as an example of insanity. Have I lost you yet? Good. Because that’s the mindset you need to be in to watch this one. It was by far the weakest effort of the three Fulci movies we’ve watched. The other problem I think is that you’re watching a director of a niche genre make reference to his whole catalog of niche films. (Something along the lines of Horror>Foreign Horror>Foreign Horror Schlock>Foreign Horror Schlock Directors>Personal catalogs of that directors films) Though if that’s the case it would be our fault for not watching more Fulci movies…. and I guess that’s a good place to leave it: A Cat in the Brain is for the extremely well seasoned Fulci watcher, hold off until you know all his children by name and what his grandfather’s favorite vineyard is.

What it has: that damn guy with a chainsaw, a cat eating a brain, hypnosis, a piano wire, a really great trailer, token eye scene, gore, and psychosis

What it’s missing: Well… like any good fulci film it has almost everything, even fulci himself

Be warned… it’s a lot slower than the trailer… and wait till you have a few other Fulci’s under your belt.

2.5/5 metronomes

Schlock is conducive to creating an adage about high expectations, and The Burrowers served as a prime example. Well the first thing is: it certainly isn’t schlock. However, we adjusted, switched mindsets and hunkered down for what was a highly recommended flick. All of us in the room, mind you, are not only horror fans, but Western junkies as well. What could be better? Last week: sheep meet zombies, this week: John Wayne takes on the undead…

... but she's so cold, pa.

Except it didn’t really come together that way. It was the quietest schlock night we’ve had in a while. There wasn’t a tremendous amount to laugh at, the scares were nonexistent and the cinematography was there, but nothing amazing. When it was all said and done and the credits were rolling Jude summed it up best with”It was a mediocre western, a mediocre horror, and the sum of it’s parts was less than…” Less than what?! But like the wise sage that he is, he had already disappeared before we could ask.

If you think it’s a flick for you:  you’ll get just as much enjoyment out of it by yourself as you would with a group. Save it for a night when you have nothing else to do.

What it has: racial tensions, people on horses, people underneath the ground, people on horses riding across open fields, people in uniforms chasing people underground, evil people (mainly the one’s on horses, in uniforms, chasing the people underground), native people, and finally that “oh shit, you showed us the monster moment”

What it’s missing: some singularly badass protagonist that makes it a western worth watching; aliens; spaceships; a cool reason for the burrowers other than the tired, cliched one we always get; a Penelope Cruz intermission

As you can see there was nothing here that blew us away, and there was really nothing to hate. All in all we were just a bit indifferent.

2/5 translation errors

Maybe I’m reacting to the hype. Maybe I’m a bad critic. Or just maybe the camera was shaking so freaking much I was always cognizant of the fact I was watching a bad movie. (Don’t hate me cause I’m honest.) I’m not going to sit here and pick it apart, but c’mon, your premise is that a news crew is filming this entire event. Why does it need to look like you strapped the camera to the back of a gorilla and threw bananas against the wall. I saw Cloverfield, I can hang, but this was simply too much. I was never able to divest myself from the fact I was staring at a shaking image, and because of that there were no scares or thrills, only a lot of eyerubbing.

Funny, Scary, or... "Jake. Wake Up!"

Then there was the plot. There are throngs of forums of people ready to make love to this film and declare it the Citizen Kane of horror. Why? The story wasn’t new. The acting was typical. And decisions by the characters were bland. No one broke a window; did something morally deprave; hell, even the source of the virus was given deniable plausibility by trying to do the right thing in God’s eyes. There were plenty of opportunities for these questionable acts to happen. For instance when we’re watching the Health Inspector through the window, but even this scene makes the conspiracy fall apart. He was just trying to do the right thing!

All this said, it wasn’t the worst movie I’ve ever seen or even truly bad. [REC] just really rubbed me the wrong way because of all the hype. It doesn’t live up. If you were a child in the 90s and missed Blair Witch Project and saw this in the theatres… maybe I get it? However, it fails itself on so many levels it’s frustrating. Why doesn’t anyone go crazy and do something irrational? Why do TV sets still work when the power in the building is out? Why? Why? Why? I’ll stop. Hell, watch it. Everyone else seems to be in love with it, but I’m not enamored.

What it’s got: Fast zombies, Old ladies in panties, Graphic bite wounds, A tailor shop with stretchers, A cameraman with DT’s, Plastic drapes, a dumbass health inspector, religious overtones, rabid dogs, angry children, an introduction whose sole purpose was to push this into 80 minute range

What it’s missing: a reason for the hype, a working cure, pyrotechnics, a budget (but I’m cool with that), a reason why we’re watching it in the first place (not sarcastically, but plot wise), any moral ambiguity in the character’s actions

Lower your expectations, turn on the dubbing, enjoy the show?

2/5 Festival Awards

I guess I’m on a bit of a remake kick in my personal time, and please don’t think less of me. This week I took one for the team and watched the Day of the Dead remake that went straight to DVD. I’ve said before I don’t make comparisons to the original, and I won’t make any exception here (there are that many synonyms for abomination).

"Pretty please with sugar on top may I act like a badass?"

Truthfully though… it wasn’t terrible, but it wasn’t good either. I’m wondering if Mena Suvari is considering a claim that a body double played the whole role for her. Maybe it was a fun side project, but definitely not a step up. Ving Rhames also shows up in this Romero remake, but he’s not as ass kickingly cool as he was in the Dawn of the Dead from 2004.

****Next Paragraph is a vague spoiler section (not really much to spoil though) skip to the ***** if you want to miss it

Typical story, follows most traditional/remake horror rules: black people don’t fare so well, teenagers who have sex don’t do so well unless you’re of relation to the protagonist, and government agents and their conspiracies get there due

*****************************

The zombies are freakin’ weird with some heavy hands on the CGI and excessive speeding of sequences in the editing room. It’s probably a taste thing, but the pacing just didn’t work. It’s a Romero concept with 28 Days Later zombies. I had a hard time visually digesting that one. The makeup was nice, though rushed in parts, which is probably the biggest asset the movie has to offer. (Trust me, you’re not flipping this one on because of the plot).

I did end up rooting for Nick Cannon’s character Salazar a lot simply because he has some of the best kills in the movie. There are some nice (don’t read great) special effects sequences. Absolutely nothing is here for the brain though, and if you are a die hard Romero fan skip it, you’ll probably end up pulling your eyeball out and eating it before the movies over.

What it’s got: Fast zombies, big budget, massive flame thrower, evil scientist genius, a lot of driving (how big is this small town anyway?), intelligent zombies (oxymoron?), a plot that was written while sniffing glue, government conspiracies (surprise!), a bizarre sequence where the town substation blows the whole town blacks out and then mysteriously regains power, and a blu-ray release (really?!?!)

What it’s missing: the scene where Ving Rhames is castrated (wtf?), respect for parents, decent burials, a lack of residue after burning, helicopters (c’mon where are the helicopters?), trigger locks in gun shops, acting

No surprises here. You want to watch zombies. You get to watch zombies. Would I pick it up over say re-watching 28 Days, the original Day of the Dead, or an episode of Lassie? Probably not, but it wasn’t painful.

2/5 zip ties

Schlock night is in need of a huge shot of adrenaline. Puddles of drool have been collecting from everyone sleeping through the previous features (I even skipped one because I couldn’t stay awake long enough to pass along anything pertinent). With Daybreakers headed to the big screen I thought it would be a good time to look into the Spierig brothers debut film, Undead. The story behind this movie is they made it for $1 million dollars, which is somehow considered a small budget. Maybe if you’re James Cameron, but if you’re the up and coming indie director you can stretch that a long ways and they proved it…. for a whopping 98 minutes.

The thing about schlock: You know you’re diving into crap, that’s part of the fun, but don’t make it an endurance piece. However, had they taken the cleaver to this film and lopped out about 15 minutes of people turning corners, running up and down staircases, and shining flashlights at the camera it would have bee a really good flick. It definitely had the most complicated plot of any schlock we’ve watched, and they really went all out with their special effects.

Was it the defibrillator that we needed to get us going again? Nope. But it certainly wasn’t the pillow over our face that sends us into the great beyond.

What it has: alien abductions, triple barrel shotgun, people turning corners, quadruple barrel shotgun, inept police, australian accents, zombie fish, stupid people doing stupid things, really nice decapitations, more people turning corners, zombies, scenes to build tension that don’t build tension, room for a sequel

What it’s missing: a sharp editor, a real reason not to watch it, rules for how the zombies die, and at this point I’m thinking: many memorable moments

To be honest I’m probably being a bit harsh on this one, but I was hoping for a lot. It’s worth a view, but it’s probably not going to give you all the kicks you want.

2.8/5 acid raindrops