Brains, Blood, Boomsticks, & Broods

Tokyo. Check. Gore. Check. Police. Check. The title is the plot summary. The plot is any combination of the three words in the title used to construct a scene. 24 hours later I still can’t tell you exactly what happened so I’m going to review this movie as fellow schlocker Greg (on his return from the placid hills of Itally) suggested:

What we leared from Tokyo Gore Police:

1) Japanese culture has some serious issues to resolve.

2) It is possible to desanguinate a body without spilling a drop.

3) If you find yourself in a brothel in Tokyo and they take you to a back room with chairs and straps, run.

4) Police are always corrupt.

5) Somehow, 3 quarters of the way into the movie, an even gorier killing spree happens.

6) Certain tumors allow body parts that are damaged to regenerate as weapons.

7) Darth Vader is that you?

8 ) “Hand Gun” is now a pun

9) It is possible to cut off a face with a wine bottle

10) Tarantino would be jealous of the umbrella scene

11) Alligator Vaginas, Lotus Flower Female Ejaculation, and a 4 Foot mutated penis that fire “bullets” fit within an R rating, but pubic hair doesn’t

12) We should have watched it with subtitles

Watching Tokyo Gore Police a mere few weeks after Sars Wars has me realizing Asian cult films are light years ahead and on the other side of a very large cultural gap. I’m not really sure how to rate TGP. However, I suspect that it’s entertainment increases as your awareness of Japanese culture does. Also it is one nonstop gore fest of bad special effects. It starts with a homicidally, deranged, chainsaw wielding mass murder; climaxes with a police crime spree; and finishes off with the hero? killing all the bad guys who had killed all the good guys. Oh yeah… I’m trying to say there is no down time, it’s all blood, all action from start to stop. Fun for the group, not for the family.

3.5/5 chewed up caterpillars (why? oh why?!?!)

Some dude props up a home video camera in his house and films a movie that has people screaming across the nation. I couldn’t avoid it. The allure was too strong, and I was hoping to make up for the teen tragedy that was the newspaper spoiler of The Blair Witch Project. So I didn’t read anything about it, and the only trailer I saw was the same one you probably have of audiences across the nation screaming.

The preview could have been me. I screamed like a little girl… with a sailor’s mouth.

Spoiled or not Paranormal Activity left me satisified and questioning the noises in the dark… at least for a night. It was successful to me for lots of reasons. While we all suspend belief a fair amount walking into the movies this one didn’t require it. Nothing on screen was that far-fetched except for the ending (which was about 15 seconds too long). It actually made me wonder if it was a similar experience to seeing The Exorcist back in the day. The pacing was really nice, and the characters were pretty believable except for the usual horror movie hubris. However, what drives most of the movie is the audio. If you don’t have a home theatre, surround sound, X-74V Dolby, Ear Massager then stop reading this review and go see Paranormal Activity while it’s still in the theatre, which brings up the downside.

I’m not sure this one will translate on DVD, and I’m really sorry I waited until there were only 15 people in the theatre. This movie is one of those rarities that is actually an experience, and the more you can suspend your disbelief and immerse yourself (leave the cynic at home) the more fun you’ll have. Your nerves will stand on end in anticipation and you’ll definitely stay up later that night questioning whether that noise was the cat.

What it has (no spoilers): a demon, spontaneous combustion, a douchebag day-trader boyfriend, a girlfriend he should have left, lots of sounds you hear every night, and lots of annnnn-ticccccyy-pashun

What it doesn’t have: a big cast, credits, gore, or a reason it should have cost more than $45 to make

It’s definitely a lot of fun, but there probably isn’t a lot or replay value.

3.5/5 swinging chandeliers

Well there is one thing for certain about Audition. When you’re finished watching it you won’t have any question about Takashi Miike’s relationship with women. And if you managed to catch Imprint from the Masters of Horror series you’ll be certain of these adjectives: elusive, cruel, vile, vindictive, manipulative, primal, torturous, and methodical. Not exactly Hallmark’s words of the month for their Valentine cards, and they probably won’t get Gloria Steinem’s stamp of approval either. However they paint a violently vilifying and visceral portrait of tortured souls in combat for the validation of their perspective.

It would be degrading to call this the Fatal Attraction of our generation. However, I’ll admit to initially making the comparison. The complications of the female character run deep and to say she is a multidimensional character would be an understatement since we are left with so many question about her past. (You can tell we didn’t have a b-grade movie night by the fact we’re even discussing character development and plot). And the male lead so desires her to be who he wants her to that he looks past all the clues that point to a suspicious past.

However, this blog isn’t about dissecting movies. It’s about fun, campy, and sometimes crappy. Audition probably didn’t hit any of those categories. It was interesting, craftedt, and included moments of head turning visuals. I’ll say it: Audition most definitely does not meet the parameters of schlock. However it did have it’s moments, where if your sense of humor is twisted enough you’ll find yourself laughing. It’s definitely worth watching, but not when you’re looking for campy, light plot, easy to follow. Audition is developed and involves a fair amount of attention (subtitles included and necessary).

It has: flying feet; ingenious prosthetic feet; sharp wires; a continued needle fetish; edible vomit; dinosaur pickup lines; “deeper, deeper”; hallucinogenic, telepathic, body-numbing scotch additive; and another reason why asian horror is more twisted than American horror

It doesn’t have: a fast pace, a disclaimer about harming animals, correct use of acupuncture points, a perceptive main character, or a reason why that man (you’ll know) hasn’t starved himself to death

3.5/5 bound bags or piles of VHS tapes (your choice but make sure you only love one)

Two movies, one title. I kind of felt like the kid who bought a potato gun kit, only to get home, open the box, and find a piece of pvc pipe and a can of spray paint. In other it wasn’t exactly what was on the box, but I could still have fun with it.

Dead Snow on the DVD box claims to provide boozing, sex, and all the insanity of a nazi infested horde. Like the potato gun it delivers on the idea, but skimps on the details. In other words, the closest it comes to a sex scene is a couple of characters grinding together inside of a latrine, and some sucking on a poopy finger. More head turning than fascinating. And the boozing? Well I never saw five adults drunk enough on a twelve pack of Norwegian light to make any bad decisions.

Sex scene spoiler?

On the other the second half of the movie delivers some fun kills, and innovative ways of torturing the living. What about the first half? Well it’s more like a snow mobile, heavy metal, music video. (Insert riff here) begin engine revving, watch him go up the hills, watch him go down the hill, go to your fridge and get another beer, come back to the couch and hope the second half of the movie starts.

The first half also spends a lot of time working it’s homage to the seminal directors and movies that came before it. Catchy in a few spots, but wear’s thin kinda fast. This movement, play, and visuals are definitely going to be bigger with a crowd that hasn’t stared at these movies for the previous 12 years.  In fact at point we were sure we were watching something from the eighties.

Is it worth it?

If you like: Intestines, brilliant shots of a glowing orange tent in the snow, exposed brains, “dirty” sex, snow mobile videos, loud noises, history of German’s in Norway, self mutilation, and frozen zombies that bleed

It doesn’t have: the scene on the poster, a reason for the first 30 minutes, smart characters, a lack of obvious foreshadowing, or cell phone reception

A definite fun jaunt through the snow. Just remember your beer, and not to leave your peers.

3/5 references to better movies