Brains, Blood, Boomsticks, & Broods

Well we took last week off, well we didn’t but I can’t call the movie we watched schlock and get away with it. So I went rogue last night and headed to the theatre for Zombieland. I’ve been excited about this one for months, but judging from the IMDB response I can tell my review is going to buck the current trend. Don’t worry I’m not going to go out and bash it like Woody Harrelson does reporters, however to say I left a little underwhelmed would be right on mark.

It certainly had the budget to kick ass and it does it well at every opportunity. In fact they may have retitled the film An Encyclopaedia of Zombie Kills. For once a movie doesn’t use up all it’s good footage in the previews. It uses it’s special effects to splay zombies in every fashion and every way. That part is fun. What isn’t so fun is it starts to feel like a video game that you’re watching. Yup. What’s that thing movies used to have back in the day? Oh yeah, a plot.

It lives and dies by it’s characters… breathing life in: one badass, blade wielding, insane Tallahassee (Woody Harrelson)… sucking the life out: an ocd, Michael Cera wannabe Colombus (Jesse Eisenberg). It’s not the actor’s fault. He plays Michael Cera well. However, 2 months into the freakin’ zombie apocalypse (of which there are apparently four survivors) the following no longer exist: electricity, RomComs, and people who contemplate their virginity.

I could keep going but you get the idea. It could have been the empty theatre, my heightened expectations, or that I’m judging Hollywood by schlock standards, but it fell short. However it does have: electricity, pot, Bill Murray, large caches of automatic weapons, manipulative female characters, flaming zombies, and a visual nod to Dale Earnhardt (thank you Aaron). What it doesn’t have: a good reason why it’s not connected to a controller, sex, intestines, plot twists.

I had fun. Although I got in trouble for being a “talkie”. I do fear a rash of these movies in the future, and I’ll feel compelled to watch them because they have zombie in the title. Tonight is a fine example as we head off (officially) to see Zombies of Mass Destruction (more on that tomorrow). For now as I vacillate between the 2.5 and 3 I’ll ride the wave.

3/5 Twinkies

“Wuts thet? Ya chent undastan wut Um ceyin?” Nope. In fact in a room of five people who knew this movie made reference to other movies we often found ourselves making up our own dialogue. In short controlled bursts, of course. The movie was a lot of fun and landed right on the heels of lasts week movie, which also had a budget. The problems with having a budget in this blog is an automatic subtraction of .5 a brain. Not because we’re biased, but because it usually means the filmmaker knows what they were doing.

Though the movie didn’t necessarily hit schlock, the werewolves certainly did. Vile, bloodthirsty creatures, who want nothing more to rip you to shreds…. outside. Once inside they become bewildered by the interior decorating and befuddled by the cushy carpet. Standing there they can only wait until someone shoots them so they have a reason to leave.

Dog Soldiers (link to imdb) definitely had it’s moments though… and if you have a firm grasp of the Scottish accent it most definitely has more, like…. a jeep that drives itself, superglue surgery, a goldilocks tale to make the Grimms smile, cadaver dungeons, super high octane propane with enhanced nuclear capabilities, and a dog killer…

It certainly doesn’t have… nakedness (don’t clothes rip when you become a werewolf?), spoons, innovative weapon technology, some much needed silver…

Ultimately though, we had fun, and that’s what it’s all about. It’ll probably leaving you wondering why they worked so hard on the plot or if it needed to last 105 minutes or if Scotland really is that big. It’s pretty light*  on gore and really unoffensive* considering what we normally watch*. I mean no nuns strapped on dildos and went after zombie Elvis impersonators until they vomited their intestines, course there’s always next week.

3/5 “dead flying fucking cows”