Brains, Blood, Boomsticks, & Broods

So I went rogue and watched a movie without my fellow schlockers. Actually I watched 2, in the blog to follow I’ll put up my thoughts on Part III. Why on earth would I abandon my fellow schlockers? Because this movie violates rule #1 of schlock: I’ve seen it before, and I’m sure quite a few of them had to0.

First off I was nervous. Not about Jason showing up and shoving an icepick into my head, but because I hadn’t seen the original in a a really, really long time. Now *spoiler alert for the original* I remembered his mom was crazy fucked up and killed all the campers, at least I was pretty sure. But I couldn’t remember what the hell happened to Jason and why she was so pissed off. I started off searching the good ole’ webs and then realized “this was the freakin 80s! They had to recap everything.” Sure enough the beginning starts off with the lone survivor from the original having nightmares, which are the perfect segue for the memory challenged or the skip-aheaders. It’s a great way to start and the damn thing just keeps getting better.

Friday the 13th is a freaking classic for a reason and it’s sequel is no slouch in the bedroom either. Teenagers wanna have sex and Jason wants to kill people. You like sex. You like Jason. It’s really a no brainer. The thing about this movie: it’s fun if you’re by yourself and it’s fun with a group of people. You can’t go wrong here, from the tight claustrophobic cropping of the camera to the endless shots of Jason’s feet as he walks around stalking girls in tight shorts and boys with bad hair. There are still some genuine scares, but for the most part it’s all popcorn fodder. If you haven’t seen it in a while throw it on and a hockey mask for good measure, and remember It’s all done now. Mommy is pleased. You’ve done a good job.

4/5 headless moms

What it’s got: Dead campers, soon to be dead campers, psychology, Rolling Rock, the obligatory warning and the obligatory skinny dip, Betsy Palmer, machetes, fluffy dog with a bow in it’s hair, who where’s short shorts?

What it’s missing: Any way for Ginny to not be batshit crazy for the rest of her life

Howdy schlockianados! I was realized it was 4 years and 2 months ago (give or take a few days) that I laid the Brains, Blood, Boomsticks Scepter down and strayed from writing about the crap we love to watch. Well I can say after two weeks back on the wagon it feels like we’re racing through the woods at night clubbing anything that moves and calling ourselves heroes. I’m not sure what the last sentence means, but I think it means we’re back.

This week continuing our campaign we watched William Friedkin’s Sorcerer (a remake of the French The Wages of Fear). Yeah, it’s the same Friedkin that made The Exorcist (you don’t have to waste time checking IMDB). You probably haven’t heard of it because who the hell would name a flick about assassins, truck drivers hauling nitroglycerin, and super mega explosions Sorcerer is beyond me, and apparently it was beyond his audience too. They all decided to go out and see Star Wars which came out the same week and was aptly enough about an intergalactic laser fight…. hmmmmm… Star Wars… go figure.

Since nobody saw the movie, Friedkin decided to dub it the best film of his career, and the rest of us were too busy wondering if Luke and Leia were ever gonna do it. Turns out Friedkin needed a PR firm to help him with this damn fine film, and we came up with some titles (based on mixed drinks) that really would have helped this movie sell some tickets. In no particular order we recommend: Adios Motherfucker, Truck Punch, Fire Dragon, or CHOMP (Cro-Magnon Haulers of Mortal Peril)… okay so I made the last one up.

Crossing the Bridge

Anyway it turns out it’s a damn fine flick, and to quote one observer “this movie has a lot of truck driving.” The truck driving takes place over some damn fine cinematography though, even if does take quite some time for the story to develop. To be perfectly honest there was a lot of talking going on during the first half hour which made the sub titles hard to read, but overall only affected our empathy for the characters (we had none). The stories pretty clear even though Friedkin works hard to make it seem more complicated than it really is: Some dudes do some bad things. Those dudes flee to South America. Said dudes are out of money and agree to take on a suicide trucking mission so they can get back to drinking and hookers.

We were continually delighted by the well composed cinematography which was punctuated by some fantastic explosions. The scene where the trucks cross the rope bridge is every bit as nail biting as was advertised and probably because it was absolute hell to film. After viewing the film it felt more like a metaphor for the arduous journey it took for Friedkin to complete the movie than the existentialist journey it’s purported to be. The only thing that got this film completed was his absolute desire and love for it. It’s also what probably broke his back as a director, and anyone’s desire to finance his work in the future.

What it has: Explosions!, brilliant cinematography, fire, really weird noses, lot’s of truck driving, watches, Nitroglycerine and quite a few corpses

What is doesn’t have: Sylvester Stallone, any freaking special features (on the DVD), a good title, a brave helicopter pilot, or a good reward (8000 pesos, really?!?!)

Watch it if: You’re a fan of the director, love great cinematography, enjoy well crafted films, have a thing for truck drivers layered in sweat and grime.

I rate it 4/5 pesos (there’s really not much wrong here, it  just wasn’t “perfect”)

What we drank with it:

Adios Motherfucker

3/4 oz Black Velvet

3/4 oz Jack Daniels

1/4 oz Peach Schnapps

1/4 oz grenadine syrup

1/2 oz sweet sour

Shake’em together over ice and hold on to yer titties….

Happy Schlocko de Mayo as we celebrate the triumphant return of schlockfest. The unanimous group selection this week was the aforementioned Who Can Kill A Child? Originally it was released in the US as Island of the Damned, which meant they chopped about five minutes off of it. Now in a group setting you should be warned WCKAC opens with historical footage of Auschwitz, The Vietnam War, famines in Asia and Africa all showing…. you guessed it…. corpses of children. It can be kind of a buzz kill unless your group is prone to short term memory loss, alcoholism, or could kill a child.

Child Killer…

This opening was of course chopped off for the US release because, well we’re Americans, and we couldn’t have our utopian ideals tampered with. All kidding aside this film is an incredible find. Guillermo Del Torro has cited it as influential on Pan’s Labyrinth. There’s nothing plasticized about any of the characters in the film, and there are some really solid performances by the children. You have to be down for 70s pacing and a few excessive attempts at tension building, but overall there’s not much to dislike about this film (and Jake, Pat, & Jen used the slower moments for a some good ole 70s free love). If you’re looking for a good, fun lovin’ slasher you better look elsewhere, however if you’re looking for some key tie-ins to cinema (think Battle Royale meets Night of the Living Dead, with an emphasis on the psychological factor) then give this one a shot.

Line of the evening: “Are these guys supposed to be British?”

“Of course they are, look at their teeth.”

I’d give this one 4/5 Rotisserie Chickens (as an update some members of schlock were curious why this didn’t make a “5”. The following reasons: excessive non-sequitur genocide sequence, extra 15 minutes of pacing they could have left out, they should’ve killed more kids!)

Hey. What’s that stuff movies used to have back in the day? Oh that’s right, plot. And this movie is just what Schlock Night needed to continue breathing life into what was becoming a weekly buildup of apprehension. Who knows maybe after this week we’ll be off life support.

On the cover The Living Dead at Manchester Morgue is described as the best zombie movie ever made. A tall order by anyone’s standards. Does it deserve to be called the best? I may not go that far, but it definitely wins in some aspects. And what was that? It’s Italian title was what? Yup. Zombi 3. So how does Zombi 3 fall into the great lineage of  Romero and Fulci when it actually predates both “Zombi” features. I won’t delve into the tedium. It wouldn’t be schlocky of me, but if you’re interested visit this site (and thank Jude for finding it).

What made this movie successful? Is it too cliche to say it had heart? Maybe at times it even loves Night of the Living Dead so much it becomes predictable, but you enjoy the ride nonetheless. It’s characters are memorable and the zombie attacks are ludicrously hysterical. While it does push a little bit of gore factor it definitely won’t appeal to the torture porn enthusiasts. However, it will resonate with high brow movie connoisseur and old school horror enthusiasts alike. You really can’t go wrong here.

What it has: A streaker, dubbing, one of the more memorable zombies of all time, intelligent zombies (they exist now), ultrasonic radiation (yup, that exists too), heroin, skeptical police, cars Jake would die for, and an excellent elevator scene

What it’s missing: an abundance of sound, tolerance for authority, excessive gore, a reason to pass up on this classic

Though it nears perfection I can’t say it’s the best or perfect, but it’s damn close.

4.5/5 radioactive, cannibalistic ants

This movie made me nervous, in two ways. The first time I was nervous began after a really amazing opening that left the whole group in awe and laughing at it’s twisted nature. For the next twenty minutes I feared that somebody had copied Sisterhood of the Traveling Cave Dwellers on the DVD, but then the movie began and so did a new type of nervous. Seldom does a movie (especially of the caliber we watch) succeed on such a high level with it’s setting.

wait for it.....

Much like RZs Halloween has you question why you’d have sex in a imprisoned serial killer’s house, The Descent makes you think caving is the stupidest idea since Russian Roulette. The movie is uncomfortable and claustrophobic, which was voiced by schlockers multiple times during the viewing. The scenes are dark, the spaces are tight, and it translates really well for the viewer.

You must be warned that there are about 20 minutes early on that don’t further the plot and  only leave you on the edge of you’re seat if you’re trying to imagine the winner of the pillow fight that never happens. My thinking was that they were attempting to reach the almighty 80 minute mark and this was the fluffer to get there. However, it manages to hit the unwieldy 100 minute mark of schlock so I’m not sure who this segment was supposed to appeal to, as none of our varied demographic cared  about whether Suave or White Rain smells better.

What it had: Albino fanged cave dwellers, ice axes (when caving), bad sense of direction, foreshadowing, tensions over an affair, blood bath ode to Carrie, many reasons to enjoy life on the surface, copper pipes, lots of stupid decisions, compound fractures, and were those mammoth bones?

What it was missing: pillow fights, an exit strategy, a sensible use of battery life, and Sigourney Weaver (no way those freaky, fanged albino would have feasted that long)

In the end  there was plenty of blood and the movie finished really well. The Descent wasn’t perfect, but it was definitely a good time.

4/5 phosphorescent rocks