Brains, Blood, Boomsticks, & Broods

You’ve seen it. Or you’ve heard of it. Or you really, probably should have. Tarantino writes it, Rodriguez directs it,  and Salma Hayek/Cheech Marin make it entertaining. And if you’re an uber geek then Tom Savini just makes it incredible. Is it watchable? Hell Yeah. Is it fun? Of course. Is it schlock? hmmmmmmmm….

Well it certainly has: a strip tease with an enormous albino python, beer poured down a naked leg while Tarantino licks it off her toes, Demons, Vampires, Cadaver Guitars, and Phallic Weapons

It doesn’t have: a low budget, B-caliber cast; romantic subplot, or zombies…

And while we had a wonderful time watching it… it definitely felt like a departure. It was odd to watch a movie that was actually made with Dolby Surround in mind, had CG that was passible, and the budget to pull the whole damn thing off. But it did have a lot of love for the genre and was really a wonderful homage to (though arguably a lot of their movies are) all the B-grade goodness that came before them.

There’s nothing too offensive about it unless you’re very religious, offended by pedophiles, have an issue with sexism, or are concerned with vampire suffrage. There’s not much gore, and everything is over the top enough to give you a good laugh. As a side note it’s loud enough to cause the movie watchers upstairs to intervene for a sound check.

4/5 pulsating, poplar, phallus points

“Once again, into the breach we go.” That could be a new Schlock night motto. Maybe the review of this movie should start with a disclaimer: The final rating of this film receives one brain for the telepathic dog, and one brain for the ending. There’s a half brain that can go either way because of the catchy theme song. The song certainly sticks with you, (a plus if you’re Jake. A minus if you’re Jake’s significant other.)

The best we could figure at the end of this movie was they had a premise and an end in mind, and then they went on a journey to put something in the middle. Then I found out today it was based on a novella. And they left out things like injecting Blood (the dog) with dolphin spinal fluid. It was brilliant on some levels, painfully slow in others. 5/9 of us stayed awake the whole time.

What the movie has: A whole lot of a boy and his dog walking; a subterranean, caucasian, face-painting, robot breeding society; an underground sunrise; schlock within schlock; an evil woman who tempts men; and oh yeah, a sperm sucking machine

What it doesn’t have: A suave protagonist (“Why’d they have to cut her? She could have been used two or three more times”); A female character that isn’t an evil manipulator (though given the context of the film you can see why)

So given that it has a 6.6/10 on IMDB should you go watch it? Flip a coin. If it’s tails skip it, if it’s heads consider it. There’s definitely some merit here, and the end of the movie did get a laugh from those of us awake. There’s no doubt it has some fucked up moments. If you have real issues with misogyny do yourself a favor and pass. If you’re looking for a crowd pleaser and a good time I’d start somewhere else.

2.5/5 Test Tubes of Sperm