Brains, Blood, Boomsticks, & Broods

Maybe I’m reacting to the hype. Maybe I’m a bad critic. Or just maybe the camera was shaking so freaking much I was always cognizant of the fact I was watching a bad movie. (Don’t hate me cause I’m honest.) I’m not going to sit here and pick it apart, but c’mon, your premise is that a news crew is filming this entire event. Why does it need to look like you strapped the camera to the back of a gorilla and threw bananas against the wall. I saw Cloverfield, I can hang, but this was simply too much. I was never able to divest myself from the fact I was staring at a shaking image, and because of that there were no scares or thrills, only a lot of eyerubbing.

Funny, Scary, or... "Jake. Wake Up!"

Then there was the plot. There are throngs of forums of people ready to make love to this film and declare it the Citizen Kane of horror. Why? The story wasn’t new. The acting was typical. And decisions by the characters were bland. No one broke a window; did something morally deprave; hell, even the source of the virus was given deniable plausibility by trying to do the right thing in God’s eyes. There were plenty of opportunities for these questionable acts to happen. For instance when we’re watching the Health Inspector through the window, but even this scene makes the conspiracy fall apart. He was just trying to do the right thing!

All this said, it wasn’t the worst movie I’ve ever seen or even truly bad. [REC] just really rubbed me the wrong way because of all the hype. It doesn’t live up. If you were a child in the 90s and missed Blair Witch Project and saw this in the theatres… maybe I get it? However, it fails itself on so many levels it’s frustrating. Why doesn’t anyone go crazy and do something irrational? Why do TV sets still work when the power in the building is out? Why? Why? Why? I’ll stop. Hell, watch it. Everyone else seems to be in love with it, but I’m not enamored.

What it’s got: Fast zombies, Old ladies in panties, Graphic bite wounds, A tailor shop with stretchers, A cameraman with DT’s, Plastic drapes, a dumbass health inspector, religious overtones, rabid dogs, angry children, an introduction whose sole purpose was to push this into 80 minute range

What it’s missing: a reason for the hype, a working cure, pyrotechnics, a budget (but I’m cool with that), a reason why we’re watching it in the first place (not sarcastically, but plot wise), any moral ambiguity in the character’s actions

Lower your expectations, turn on the dubbing, enjoy the show?

2/5 Festival Awards

I guess I’m on a bit of a remake kick in my personal time, and please don’t think less of me. This week I took one for the team and watched the Day of the Dead remake that went straight to DVD. I’ve said before I don’t make comparisons to the original, and I won’t make any exception here (there are that many synonyms for abomination).

"Pretty please with sugar on top may I act like a badass?"

Truthfully though… it wasn’t terrible, but it wasn’t good either. I’m wondering if Mena Suvari is considering a claim that a body double played the whole role for her. Maybe it was a fun side project, but definitely not a step up. Ving Rhames also shows up in this Romero remake, but he’s not as ass kickingly cool as he was in the Dawn of the Dead from 2004.

****Next Paragraph is a vague spoiler section (not really much to spoil though) skip to the ***** if you want to miss it

Typical story, follows most traditional/remake horror rules: black people don’t fare so well, teenagers who have sex don’t do so well unless you’re of relation to the protagonist, and government agents and their conspiracies get there due

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The zombies are freakin’ weird with some heavy hands on the CGI and excessive speeding of sequences in the editing room. It’s probably a taste thing, but the pacing just didn’t work. It’s a Romero concept with 28 Days Later zombies. I had a hard time visually digesting that one. The makeup was nice, though rushed in parts, which is probably the biggest asset the movie has to offer. (Trust me, you’re not flipping this one on because of the plot).

I did end up rooting for Nick Cannon’s character Salazar a lot simply because he has some of the best kills in the movie. There are some nice (don’t read great) special effects sequences. Absolutely nothing is here for the brain though, and if you are a die hard Romero fan skip it, you’ll probably end up pulling your eyeball out and eating it before the movies over.

What it’s got: Fast zombies, big budget, massive flame thrower, evil scientist genius, a lot of driving (how big is this small town anyway?), intelligent zombies (oxymoron?), a plot that was written while sniffing glue, government conspiracies (surprise!), a bizarre sequence where the town substation blows the whole town blacks out and then mysteriously regains power, and a blu-ray release (really?!?!)

What it’s missing: the scene where Ving Rhames is castrated (wtf?), respect for parents, decent burials, a lack of residue after burning, helicopters (c’mon where are the helicopters?), trigger locks in gun shops, acting

No surprises here. You want to watch zombies. You get to watch zombies. Would I pick it up over say re-watching 28 Days, the original Day of the Dead, or an episode of Lassie? Probably not, but it wasn’t painful.

2/5 zip ties

Hey. What’s that stuff movies used to have back in the day? Oh that’s right, plot. And this movie is just what Schlock Night needed to continue breathing life into what was becoming a weekly buildup of apprehension. Who knows maybe after this week we’ll be off life support.

On the cover The Living Dead at Manchester Morgue is described as the best zombie movie ever made. A tall order by anyone’s standards. Does it deserve to be called the best? I may not go that far, but it definitely wins in some aspects. And what was that? It’s Italian title was what? Yup. Zombi 3. So how does Zombi 3 fall into the great lineage of  Romero and Fulci when it actually predates both “Zombi” features. I won’t delve into the tedium. It wouldn’t be schlocky of me, but if you’re interested visit this site (and thank Jude for finding it).

What made this movie successful? Is it too cliche to say it had heart? Maybe at times it even loves Night of the Living Dead so much it becomes predictable, but you enjoy the ride nonetheless. It’s characters are memorable and the zombie attacks are ludicrously hysterical. While it does push a little bit of gore factor it definitely won’t appeal to the torture porn enthusiasts. However, it will resonate with high brow movie connoisseur and old school horror enthusiasts alike. You really can’t go wrong here.

What it has: A streaker, dubbing, one of the more memorable zombies of all time, intelligent zombies (they exist now), ultrasonic radiation (yup, that exists too), heroin, skeptical police, cars Jake would die for, and an excellent elevator scene

What it’s missing: an abundance of sound, tolerance for authority, excessive gore, a reason to pass up on this classic

Though it nears perfection I can’t say it’s the best or perfect, but it’s damn close.

4.5/5 radioactive, cannibalistic ants

This movie made me nervous, in two ways. The first time I was nervous began after a really amazing opening that left the whole group in awe and laughing at it’s twisted nature. For the next twenty minutes I feared that somebody had copied Sisterhood of the Traveling Cave Dwellers on the DVD, but then the movie began and so did a new type of nervous. Seldom does a movie (especially of the caliber we watch) succeed on such a high level with it’s setting.

wait for it.....

Much like RZs Halloween has you question why you’d have sex in a imprisoned serial killer’s house, The Descent makes you think caving is the stupidest idea since Russian Roulette. The movie is uncomfortable and claustrophobic, which was voiced by schlockers multiple times during the viewing. The scenes are dark, the spaces are tight, and it translates really well for the viewer.

You must be warned that there are about 20 minutes early on that don’t further the plot and  only leave you on the edge of you’re seat if you’re trying to imagine the winner of the pillow fight that never happens. My thinking was that they were attempting to reach the almighty 80 minute mark and this was the fluffer to get there. However, it manages to hit the unwieldy 100 minute mark of schlock so I’m not sure who this segment was supposed to appeal to, as none of our varied demographic cared  about whether Suave or White Rain smells better.

What it had: Albino fanged cave dwellers, ice axes (when caving), bad sense of direction, foreshadowing, tensions over an affair, blood bath ode to Carrie, many reasons to enjoy life on the surface, copper pipes, lots of stupid decisions, compound fractures, and were those mammoth bones?

What it was missing: pillow fights, an exit strategy, a sensible use of battery life, and Sigourney Weaver (no way those freaky, fanged albino would have feasted that long)

In the end  there was plenty of blood and the movie finished really well. The Descent wasn’t perfect, but it was definitely a good time.

4/5 phosphorescent rocks

Everybody I know has seen this movie. In fact I dare so almost everyone I know has seen multiple Rob Zombie movies. Saturday was my day to lose my RZ virginity. So I went rogue, leaving schlockfest to suffer through some unseen crap on Wednesday and had what I would argue was a most enjoyable experience. All the recommendations had left me with high expectations, which inevitably left me skeptical, especially given the lofty and legendary standards of the original. (You have seen the original right? Of course you have, because you wouldn’t consider watching a remake without seeing what was so worthy of being remade. If for some reason you haven’t, watch it first. Unless of course you’re some sick individual who would watch Spiderman and say you know Sam Raimi.)

What’s really nice about RZ’s Halloween is that you know he’s a fan. He’s not just  a director with an ego and a checkbook. He gets the genre (at least here) and gives the fans what they want. What’s successful is that he approaches Halloween as part prequel/part remake, and even though he clocks in at 110 minutes he makes every bit of it worthwhile. You’re lured into believing Michael Myers’ past exists even amid the leaps and cliches. A word of caution is that I was able to completely divest myself of the original when watching, however if you do a head on comparison you’ll be sorely disappointed.

Given the high production value and the resources that were used it can hardly be considered schlock, but RZ’s Halloween is definitely worth a watch* and maybe even a few high shrilled screams.

*I realize this review sounds like gushing by a newly enamored viewer, however, it’s not without it’s flaws. There’s just nothing to really keep you from watching unless you’re squeamish.

What it has: Homage to horror (Silence of the Lambs, Halloween), boobs, a view into Michael Myers childhood, breasts, sister love, female pectoral muscles, the infamous knife, John Carpeneter’s theme music, traditional stereotype roles (reluctant sheriff, the doubted psychiatrist, dumb redecks, dead fornicators, angry stepfathers, etc…), scenes where a bra is removed, crucial scenes from the original, and a really kickin’ van

What it’s missing:  plausible escape scenario, development of the subplots, a lot of gore (thankfully), pot smokers, a reason we should care about the picture of Michael Myer’s eyes, and an explanation for why they would have sex in Michael Myer’s house when he owns that amazing van

3.5/5 paper mache masks

Schlock night is in need of a huge shot of adrenaline. Puddles of drool have been collecting from everyone sleeping through the previous features (I even skipped one because I couldn’t stay awake long enough to pass along anything pertinent). With Daybreakers headed to the big screen I thought it would be a good time to look into the Spierig brothers debut film, Undead. The story behind this movie is they made it for $1 million dollars, which is somehow considered a small budget. Maybe if you’re James Cameron, but if you’re the up and coming indie director you can stretch that a long ways and they proved it…. for a whopping 98 minutes.

The thing about schlock: You know you’re diving into crap, that’s part of the fun, but don’t make it an endurance piece. However, had they taken the cleaver to this film and lopped out about 15 minutes of people turning corners, running up and down staircases, and shining flashlights at the camera it would have bee a really good flick. It definitely had the most complicated plot of any schlock we’ve watched, and they really went all out with their special effects.

Was it the defibrillator that we needed to get us going again? Nope. But it certainly wasn’t the pillow over our face that sends us into the great beyond.

What it has: alien abductions, triple barrel shotgun, people turning corners, quadruple barrel shotgun, inept police, australian accents, zombie fish, stupid people doing stupid things, really nice decapitations, more people turning corners, zombies, scenes to build tension that don’t build tension, room for a sequel

What it’s missing: a sharp editor, a real reason not to watch it, rules for how the zombies die, and at this point I’m thinking: many memorable moments

To be honest I’m probably being a bit harsh on this one, but I was hoping for a lot. It’s worth a view, but it’s probably not going to give you all the kicks you want.

2.8/5 acid raindrops

Happy New Year, and here’s to hoping that Monsturd isn’t indicative of what we’ll be watching for the next 12 months. This was a big night. We were saying goodbye to Gamera, aka Lindsay, we welcomed two new schlockers to the group (well until they watched this), and the highlight of the evening was an argument on whether Monsturd or The Mad was a worse movie. I hands down believed this one was worse. Jake said that due to budget and cast the letdown of The Mad made it worse, but I swear in the background Luke was muttering to himself “why? why do I come?”

There’s really not a lot to say here. The monster was actually kind of nice, however the rest of the movie was shot like a porn minus the sex. There were sparse sets, locations that made no sense, and dialogue that played out like actors who were more concerned about being fluffed than intonation. That said, aside from the quote on the cover from Rue Morgue advising to the contrary, this movie wasn’t something I expected a lot from. The only real question it left me with is: who the hell did the director know to get this thing on Netflix On Demand?

I’ve read some reviews that say it moves beyond potty jokes and poopy one liners. However, when one of the central characters is Jack Schmidt (as in “You don’t know Jack Schmidt?”) and one of the final scenes involves diapered heroes I can’t say that it does. The movie did have a few opportunities, but it never went far enough. The diapered heroes are still wearing pants. Why? The Turd monster actually looks really good, but it’s only on screen for a sum total of 20 seconds. Why? You could have made a really decent 25 minute movie, but it’s 80 minutes long. Why?!

I’d suggest watching the trailer on youtube. You get the gist minus the lost minutes of your life.

What it has: a ten year old narrator, flies, poop, pepto bismol, the ability to keep people from coming back to schlock night (in Jude’s words: This movie makes me want to mark your email address as spam)

What it’s missing: a reason for me to write anymore about it

.5/5 refillable tequila bottles