Brains, Blood, Boomsticks, & Broods

Schlock Night hit the road yesterday and attended the Rochester, NY ImageOut screening of ZMD: Zombies of Mass Destruction. Since I just watched Zombieland the night before it’s going to be tough not to make comparisons.

Truthfully ZMD was everything I wanted Zombieland to be, and if it had stepped off it’s soapbox at times it would have been damn near perfect. The kills were inspired! I mean they were thought of by someone who loves the genre, not just has the money to make them happen. In this instance they had the money as well, and it just serves to make them even more fun. It took me back to the days of Dead Alive.

What would have made it perfect? If they had chopped about 10 minutes out of it… We all agreed it started a little slow, leaving us to wonder if it would pick up. When it finally does get going it opens with what are now two of my top ten zombie movie scenes ever. I won’t spoil the movie, but as you jerk back in your seat laughing you’ll know you’ve seen them. It also would have been more fun if they had pulled some of the didactic parts. It’s a politically driven movie, but they often went out of their way to reiterate what the audience had just seen.

However, it’s a lot of fun and the more people you see it with the better it gets. It does have some pretty dark moments to balance the comedic tone, and would have been served best by leaving off the ending (or playing it during the credits). You’ll see. it’s well worth the watch.

What it has: Arms that are easily ripped off, zombies on fire, intestines, really nice makeup, shamblers, a gory coming out, a little girl with bad luck, poetic songs that will make you cry, and about 250 other reasons to go see it

What it doesn’t have: subtlety, anyone you’ll recognize, Romero parallels, nudity, any question on how the director feels about 9/11

.5 a point for the ending and .5 a point for the soapbox leave us with

4/5 purple fuzzy handcuffs

Well we took last week off, well we didn’t but I can’t call the movie we watched schlock and get away with it. So I went rogue last night and headed to the theatre for Zombieland. I’ve been excited about this one for months, but judging from the IMDB response I can tell my review is going to buck the current trend. Don’t worry I’m not going to go out and bash it like Woody Harrelson does reporters, however to say I left a little underwhelmed would be right on mark.

It certainly had the budget to kick ass and it does it well at every opportunity. In fact they may have retitled the film An Encyclopaedia of Zombie Kills. For once a movie doesn’t use up all it’s good footage in the previews. It uses it’s special effects to splay zombies in every fashion and every way. That part is fun. What isn’t so fun is it starts to feel like a video game that you’re watching. Yup. What’s that thing movies used to have back in the day? Oh yeah, a plot.

It lives and dies by it’s characters… breathing life in: one badass, blade wielding, insane Tallahassee (Woody Harrelson)… sucking the life out: an ocd, Michael Cera wannabe Colombus (Jesse Eisenberg). It’s not the actor’s fault. He plays Michael Cera well. However, 2 months into the freakin’ zombie apocalypse (of which there are apparently four survivors) the following no longer exist: electricity, RomComs, and people who contemplate their virginity.

I could keep going but you get the idea. It could have been the empty theatre, my heightened expectations, or that I’m judging Hollywood by schlock standards, but it fell short. However it does have: electricity, pot, Bill Murray, large caches of automatic weapons, manipulative female characters, flaming zombies, and a visual nod to Dale Earnhardt (thank you Aaron). What it doesn’t have: a good reason why it’s not connected to a controller, sex, intestines, plot twists.

I had fun. Although I got in trouble for being a “talkie”. I do fear a rash of these movies in the future, and I’ll feel compelled to watch them because they have zombie in the title. Tonight is a fine example as we head off (officially) to see Zombies of Mass Destruction (more on that tomorrow). For now as I vacillate between the 2.5 and 3 I’ll ride the wave.

3/5 Twinkies

If you haven’t read the review below you’ll find out we started the evening watching Deathbed (2002) when about 45 minutes into it we realized we were watching the wrong fucking Deathbed (for the right one see below). Unfortunately there wasn’t a copy of the right one laying around so we opted for The Beyond. Though it really wasn’t unfortunate. In fact, it was amazing. We were all quite please by Fulci’s efforts in Zombi 2, but this one really blew us out of the water. So much so we started rewatching it immediately after it ended. Now I’ve yet to read a review that can explain the plot to this one, and I’m not sure I have too good of a grasp, but it’s important to note that the gates of hell open. I’m pretty sure of that. And once the gates of hell open Fulci gives us every opportunity to see how people’s eyes are ripped out and zombies control the earth. It was almost everything I could ask for in a movie.

The gore factor in this one (keep in mind this was 1981) was brilliant. But it was so brilliant not only because of it’s visual gore but the audio as well. Directors back in the day knew how to use sound, and Fulci does a most excellent job here. There are definitely laughable moments (tarantulas on a stick) and plenty to make you turn your head. This movie is excellent alone or in a group, though alone I might be a little creeped out.

What it has: Creepy eyes, not so creepy eyes being ripped out, zombies, people falling backwards, massive basements full of water, Joe the Jesus loving plumber, acid washed faces, and lots of blood squirting goodness

What it doesn’t have: footsteps for blind sages, a translation for Eibon, a happy ending

This movie, by all present, was considered exceptional. And better yet since you’re not too worried about the plot feel free to scream, groan, and gush over the beautiful effects and lighting.

5/5 shots to the head

We have a schlock night first: we took out a movie and put in a new one. Here’s the problem (please don’t repeat it) we thought we were watching Death Bed: The Bed that Eats (1977) what we got was Stuart Gordon’s myopic piece of trash Deathbed (2002). Now if your a brilliant individual like Lucio Fulci you can follow up Argento’s Zombi (a remix of Romero’s Dawn of the Dead) with Zombi 2 because you’ll give your viewers their money’s worth. Or reuse the name Black Sheep because if you thought Chris Farley was funny you’re gonna be even happier when zombie sheep show up in your movies by mail. However, if you’re a shoddy director trying to lure schlock seekers in with plagiarized title you should be nailed to the bare walls you recorded your lame ass movie against. We hate you Stuart Gordon. In fact I might rename this blog Stuart Gordon Sucks. Fortunately we had a copy of Fulci’s The Beyond

Could be good... we'll see.

Avoid this one!

around. See it’s review and tune in soon for the review of the true Death Bed: The Bed that Eats.

Why it sucked: They didn’t water the plants on set, the walls had nothing on them, it looked more like a bad porn set (without the porn), nobody was even remotely interesting

Why it didn’t suck: on our copy the audio track was off by a second and it was fun to watch the actors/actresses lips move and then wonder what would actually be said.

.5 (half)/5 a lame director

“Wuts thet? Ya chent undastan wut Um ceyin?” Nope. In fact in a room of five people who knew this movie made reference to other movies we often found ourselves making up our own dialogue. In short controlled bursts, of course. The movie was a lot of fun and landed right on the heels of lasts week movie, which also had a budget. The problems with having a budget in this blog is an automatic subtraction of .5 a brain. Not because we’re biased, but because it usually means the filmmaker knows what they were doing.

Though the movie didn’t necessarily hit schlock, the werewolves certainly did. Vile, bloodthirsty creatures, who want nothing more to rip you to shreds…. outside. Once inside they become bewildered by the interior decorating and befuddled by the cushy carpet. Standing there they can only wait until someone shoots them so they have a reason to leave.

Dog Soldiers (link to imdb) definitely had it’s moments though… and if you have a firm grasp of the Scottish accent it most definitely has more, like…. a jeep that drives itself, superglue surgery, a goldilocks tale to make the Grimms smile, cadaver dungeons, super high octane propane with enhanced nuclear capabilities, and a dog killer…

It certainly doesn’t have… nakedness (don’t clothes rip when you become a werewolf?), spoons, innovative weapon technology, some much needed silver…

Ultimately though, we had fun, and that’s what it’s all about. It’ll probably leaving you wondering why they worked so hard on the plot or if it needed to last 105 minutes or if Scotland really is that big. It’s pretty light*  on gore and really unoffensive* considering what we normally watch*. I mean no nuns strapped on dildos and went after zombie Elvis impersonators until they vomited their intestines, course there’s always next week.

3/5 “dead flying fucking cows”

You’ve seen it. Or you’ve heard of it. Or you really, probably should have. Tarantino writes it, Rodriguez directs it,  and Salma Hayek/Cheech Marin make it entertaining. And if you’re an uber geek then Tom Savini just makes it incredible. Is it watchable? Hell Yeah. Is it fun? Of course. Is it schlock? hmmmmmmmm….

Well it certainly has: a strip tease with an enormous albino python, beer poured down a naked leg while Tarantino licks it off her toes, Demons, Vampires, Cadaver Guitars, and Phallic Weapons

It doesn’t have: a low budget, B-caliber cast; romantic subplot, or zombies…

And while we had a wonderful time watching it… it definitely felt like a departure. It was odd to watch a movie that was actually made with Dolby Surround in mind, had CG that was passible, and the budget to pull the whole damn thing off. But it did have a lot of love for the genre and was really a wonderful homage to (though arguably a lot of their movies are) all the B-grade goodness that came before them.

There’s nothing too offensive about it unless you’re very religious, offended by pedophiles, have an issue with sexism, or are concerned with vampire suffrage. There’s not much gore, and everything is over the top enough to give you a good laugh. As a side note it’s loud enough to cause the movie watchers upstairs to intervene for a sound check.

4/5 pulsating, poplar, phallus points

“Once again, into the breach we go.” That could be a new Schlock night motto. Maybe the review of this movie should start with a disclaimer: The final rating of this film receives one brain for the telepathic dog, and one brain for the ending. There’s a half brain that can go either way because of the catchy theme song. The song certainly sticks with you, (a plus if you’re Jake. A minus if you’re Jake’s significant other.)

The best we could figure at the end of this movie was they had a premise and an end in mind, and then they went on a journey to put something in the middle. Then I found out today it was based on a novella. And they left out things like injecting Blood (the dog) with dolphin spinal fluid. It was brilliant on some levels, painfully slow in others. 5/9 of us stayed awake the whole time.

What the movie has: A whole lot of a boy and his dog walking; a subterranean, caucasian, face-painting, robot breeding society; an underground sunrise; schlock within schlock; an evil woman who tempts men; and oh yeah, a sperm sucking machine

What it doesn’t have: A suave protagonist (“Why’d they have to cut her? She could have been used two or three more times”); A female character that isn’t an evil manipulator (though given the context of the film you can see why)

So given that it has a 6.6/10 on IMDB should you go watch it? Flip a coin. If it’s tails skip it, if it’s heads consider it. There’s definitely some merit here, and the end of the movie did get a laugh from those of us awake. There’s no doubt it has some fucked up moments. If you have real issues with misogyny do yourself a favor and pass. If you’re looking for a crowd pleaser and a good time I’d start somewhere else.

2.5/5 Test Tubes of Sperm