Brains, Blood, Boomsticks, & Broods

You couldn’t have lower expectations about a movie at the title screen. It looks like you’re about to watch a blown out version of Sabotage by the Beastie Boys filmed in 1988 with a hand held VHS Camcorder. On top of that when the movie gets going you better have read the back of the DVD. The only dialogue I could understand was “Hi I’m Barry.” “Oh I’m Robert. Nice to meet you.”  However, somehow, it’s the first movie that managed to keep Luke awake in the last 3 weeks in spite of his faux swine flu.

It builds.

I can’t explain it. I’m not sure how he did it. But when you’re done with it you realize how much genius was wasted on The Lord of the Rings. Dammit Peter Jackson why aren’t you making more guys “drool” on screen?! This movie has a bigger body count than Scarface, Rocket Houses, Vomit Rituals, Recycled Brains, Amazing Head Explosions, hemorrhoidal aliens, and a 1970 Ford Capri GT MkI European model. What it doesn’t have are women. Yes. This movie was a gloriously one sided affair with all of the “undertones” you would expect.

We laughed our asses off.

This definitely works best as a group, though one of the six of us was strangely silent. You do have to get past the first WTF 10 minutes or so and then you’ll be well on your way. There is a plot,probably, but unless you were born in New Zealand you won’t be able to confirm it. And the only special feature (yes subtitles would be special on this DVD) were freeze frames from the film.  The movie as a whole seems rather low budget, however by the time they blow up a car, the side of a house, and 5-6 heads you realize PJ may have had a little cash behind him. Well worth the watch and it steadily climbed over other schlock as it went on.

4/5 Orange Ball Gags

I’m still not sure where to start. I’m actually still not sure what happened last night. I know we started this movie. I know their remake of “Glory Glory Hallelujah” as an opening number had us laughing. But about they time the lead actors took off on motorcycles against a tie dye background it gets a little fuzzy. In fact I’m pretty sure this may have been a CIA attempt at hypnosis and subliminal thought implantation. At the end I was scared. I looked over to find one friend perturbed that his nap had been disturbed (running theme) and the other trying to figure out how he had just been violated.

His mouth agape in abject horror. He said “that movie was like the dirty condom you wake up to find hanging out of you.” Was it consensual? How did happen? It even made you wonder if your bed was actually your bed. This movie had an assortment of everything: Lesbian witch covens, devil preachers, angry elvises, dildo of the Armageddon, and stereotypes of parodies of stereotypes of real life.

Were we entertained? 2 /3 of us certainly were. Could any of us tell you what the movie was about or anything that happened? No. Absolutely not. And if I could I probably wouldn’t tell you, because really, there are no expectations to have for this movie.  It was written by it’s producer, director, and main actor. It’s credits were shorter than a rolodex entry. And surprisingly it succeeded in inflicting more mental trauma than Martyrs, even though Gory Gory should be rated PG-13.

Can I recommend it? It’s a niche movie for sure. And if you do drugs (lots of them) it would probably make it more interesting… though it may permanently affect your mental state. But in the end, yes, there were zombies.

2.5/5 Corkscrews to the Penis

When it comes to schlock it’s really hard to compete with what the eighties had to offer, and Sleepaway Camp is one of it’s finer achievements. As a testament, 8 out of 9 of us stayed awake the entire movie, and even the one who slept enjoyed it when he was awake. This movie truly has a little bit of everything except nudity (how much can you have when the whole film is kids?), well maybe a little.

The costumes? clothing? alone are enough reason to watch this movie, however when you throw in the 5 “guys in daisy dukes” dogpiles, one guy on guy water balloon fight, and even a prolonged baseball scene with a masturbating catcher you really can’t pass this movie up. The kill scenes are laugh out loud funny and some are even, dare I say original. And to finish it all off if everything mentioned isn’t enough, there’s a suprise ending, and no I won’t spoil it here.

The more people you have to watch this movie with the more fun it becomes. It’s rife with racism, pedophiles, homoerotic campers, amazing hair, and good times. There’s really not a reason to not watch this movie. There’s plenty to look for in the scenes like the opener where the dad on the sailboat has apparently raised two masts. If you read too many reviews though you’ll spoil the fun, so stop reading and go watch it…

4/5 Curling Irons (Because mannequin nudity isn’t real nudity)

If shlock night had a mascot it would be Special Dead (plot summary). It has by far been the favorite of all shlock nights (and though I haven’t had a chance to write about them all there have been far too many). We’re still talking about when the next time we’ll watch Special Dead. It’s everything you want your horror/comedy to be, and it gives you hope that somewhere in the world someone is as twisted as you are.

The damnedest thing about the movie is, beside it’s heart, some of the characters are actually endearing. To say the filmmakers didn’t take the film seriously would probably be an undermining statement because they cared a hell of a lot. Ultimately that’s what makes this film… (did i just type that?) movie extraordinary. 

Ultimately you are watching some independent film makers who are really on top of their game. Better yet they know that their audience wants to have fun, but aren’t 13. The special effects, music, and insanity are all there. In some ways I feel like you spend all your time watching mountains of bad movies hoping to stumble across a movie this amazing. Through and through we’re counting down the months until our annual Special Dead viewfest. In the meantime you should not only immediately rent, buy, and tell everyone you know how great this movie is but check out their website at http://www.specialdeadmovie.com/

If you’re offended…

5/5 Electric Chainsaws

Last night I went rogue. I abandoned the safety of Shlock night and threw in a dusting copy of Hell Comes to Frogtown (plot summary). *(It seems extremely important to note the star of this movie is none other than The Rowdy Roddy Piper. If you were born outside of the eighties that reference is probably completely lost to you. However, all the wonderful over-the-top moves of the WWF (that’s right, before the WWE) are not lost in this heaping pile of shlock.) Suprising myself I spent the first 20 minutes in good laughter as supposedly undersexed women (Spangle and Centinella) fawn over one of “the last remaining remaining fertile men on earth.” The movie is alive with puns and freely pokes fun at itself. Though I don’t think anyone ever thought about taking this one seriously.

Hell Comes to Frogtown

Once the frogs show up, it all goes… badly, but not without a few laughs. There are definitely no surpises here, no amazing special effects (Centinella’s gun isn’t even firing bullets at one point, just noises), and everything you’re waiting for to happen does (in more of a PG-13 than R way though). There are plenty of tidbits to look for, like the member of the harem who is without underwear and when the scriptwriters forgot about his “range sensitive chastity belt.” And oh yeah, it’s rife with Star Wars rip offs. In fact I’m not so sure this wasn’t the rejected script. Let’s see a scantily clad prisoner lady, led around by a neck chain, while large fat gree blobish frogs argue over her. Nope, never ever heard of that one before.

I’m sure there is a lot (?) more to be taken away from this one if you aren’t flying solo with it. However, it was never painful, and I quite often found myself laughing at the absurdity of it. I have few reservations about recommending this one with the slightly ironic caveat that you can’t expect much from it.

3/5 Blue Balls

After chocolate dipping bananas and a freshy baked batch of cockies we settled in for an intimate night of schlock with Lucio Fulci, director of Zombie aka Zombi 2. If you care: (When Romero and then apprentice Argento made Dawn of the Dead Argento released his own cut called Zombi. In an effort to capitalize on some of his success Fulci made Zombi 2) Zombie was schlock night’s first Fulci film and I think the two of us (out of 3) that stayed awake for it had a lot of fun. There’s certainly no depth like Romero, but the realism of the zombies (I won’t even say “especially for 1979) was wonderful even by today’s standards. (Damn! When they ate her liver I almost lost my chocolate covered banana.) The movie certainly goes all the way and appreciation for it is no doubt enhanced by which gender you like to see nude, and if it’s men well then you can subtract a .5 brain from the review.

The Great Eye Poke

Most impressive is the shark vs zombie scene. Now infamous in it’s nature, but no doubt worth every bit of attention for the reality of some poor insane bastard, dressed in makeup and fully clothed swimming around with a live shark as he attempts to bite its rubbery belly. I just hope his arm wasn’t bitten off for real, Fulci would have kept that scene, no doubt.

The dialogue is attrocious and dubbed over and over, apparently due to the accents of the original actors. And speaking of accents this movie has them from all over the globe. Where exactly are the Antilles?! By the accents of the actors they could have been in India or Mexico… you never knew….

The special effects and lighting are really nice, and you can feel Fulci’s love for his creation. No social issues are tackled here, and a lot are created, but generally that’s what makes shlock. We debated a lot on the final rating for the evening and settled on a solid:

3/5 Maggots (mmmmmmmm…)

Add pimp to the title and then it really would say it all. The synopsis can be read here, but you really don’t need add much else to the title to get the plot. We held a zombie and stripper event for this night (unfortunately not as action packed as we’d hoped) with a double feature of Zombie Strippers. Hands down this was the better movie. Most likely the entire movie was shot in one night, possibly all on the same tape. But it has character, and that’s worth something when you have 10 people to laugh at it. The most memorable character has to be Johnny “Backhand” Vegas the “heroic” pimp that goes around, you guessed it, backhanding all the zombies. Unless you’re a big Emanuelle fan you probably won’t recognize any of the actors, and even if you are you may not. It’s low budget there’s no doubt, and it certainly won’t make any appearances in your Feminist Literature class, however it has all the feel of a couple of peeps who really love the genre creating. Strippers Vs. Zombie has heart, but not that stupid RomCom silly fairy princess heart. Just ask Johnny. If you have the sense of humor and a lively group it’s worth the stab.

Writer’s revelation: I was reading some of the reviews of this moving and people were faulting it for: having pink blood, using the word “strippers” to sell the movie, and an overall low budget. 1)If you have a crappy budget, you have a crappy budget. It’s not your fault. 2)If you’re special effects are going to suck you might as well make them really suck… as in pink blood 3) If you expect a movie to be good because it has Boobs, Strippers, Cocks, or sex in the title… well I’ve got some bad news for you…

Rating: 2.5/5 Backhands

“This is poultrygeist where the blood keeps spilling…” and with those words Poultrygeist became one of those instant Schlocknight classics. The visuals are disgustingly absurd, the writing only slight less offensive than a snuff film, and a moral that only Troma could attempt to pass off. Poultrygeist crosses the line so far you can only help but laugh, and laugh, and puke, and laugh some more. (Plot summary here) Truly though you have to have a incredible (or incredibly fucked up) sense of humor. It’s best watched in a group of friends so you make fun of whoever had the nerve to pick it up off the shelf. The bottom line is it’s a low budget, volunteer cast doing a b-grade musical about undead chickens. There is more puke, shit, and green gooey crap than there is blood in Dead Alive. It has everything a B-grade lover can want, but I WARN you… don’t watch this film and then try to get your friends to watch it. You’re way better off being able to say “That’s disgusting! I had no idea this was in here!” (Remember the first time someone had you watch “2 Girls 1 Cup”?)

Yup.

If you’re fortunate enough to get ahold of 3-Disc version the last disc is karaoke sing-along of the songs in the movie. Normally I’m not a huge special features fan, but we’ve spent more than one night singing the theme song to Schlockers who have moved to far away lands. I can’t say I’ve watched this movie a second time. It will happen though, it’s one of those inevitabilities of schlock… Watch out for the CLAMS (Collegiate Lesbians Against Mega-conglomerations)!

“you’ll be eaten alive by zombie chickens toniiiigggghhhtttttt….”

5/5 Drumsticks