Brains, Blood, Boomsticks, & Broods

We have a schlock night first: we took out a movie and put in a new one. Here’s the problem (please don’t repeat it) we thought we were watching Death Bed: The Bed that Eats (1977) what we got was Stuart Gordon’s myopic piece of trash Deathbed (2002). Now if your a brilliant individual like Lucio Fulci you can follow up Argento’s Zombi (a remix of Romero’s Dawn of the Dead) with Zombi 2 because you’ll give your viewers their money’s worth. Or reuse the name Black Sheep because if you thought Chris Farley was funny you’re gonna be even happier when zombie sheep show up in your movies by mail. However, if you’re a shoddy director trying to lure schlock seekers in with plagiarized title you should be nailed to the bare walls you recorded your lame ass movie against. We hate you Stuart Gordon. In fact I might rename this blog Stuart Gordon Sucks. Fortunately we had a copy of Fulci’s The Beyond

Could be good... we'll see.

Avoid this one!

around. See it’s review and tune in soon for the review of the true Death Bed: The Bed that Eats.

Why it sucked: They didn’t water the plants on set, the walls had nothing on them, it looked more like a bad porn set (without the porn), nobody was even remotely interesting

Why it didn’t suck: on our copy the audio track was off by a second and it was fun to watch the actors/actresses lips move and then wonder what would actually be said.

.5 (half)/5 a lame director

“Wuts thet? Ya chent undastan wut Um ceyin?” Nope. In fact in a room of five people who knew this movie made reference to other movies we often found ourselves making up our own dialogue. In short controlled bursts, of course. The movie was a lot of fun and landed right on the heels of lasts week movie, which also had a budget. The problems with having a budget in this blog is an automatic subtraction of .5 a brain. Not because we’re biased, but because it usually means the filmmaker knows what they were doing.

Though the movie didn’t necessarily hit schlock, the werewolves certainly did. Vile, bloodthirsty creatures, who want nothing more to rip you to shreds…. outside. Once inside they become bewildered by the interior decorating and befuddled by the cushy carpet. Standing there they can only wait until someone shoots them so they have a reason to leave.

Dog Soldiers (link to imdb) definitely had it’s moments though… and if you have a firm grasp of the Scottish accent it most definitely has more, like…. a jeep that drives itself, superglue surgery, a goldilocks tale to make the Grimms smile, cadaver dungeons, super high octane propane with enhanced nuclear capabilities, and a dog killer…

It certainly doesn’t have… nakedness (don’t clothes rip when you become a werewolf?), spoons, innovative weapon technology, some much needed silver…

Ultimately though, we had fun, and that’s what it’s all about. It’ll probably leaving you wondering why they worked so hard on the plot or if it needed to last 105 minutes or if Scotland really is that big. It’s pretty light*  on gore and really unoffensive* considering what we normally watch*. I mean no nuns strapped on dildos and went after zombie Elvis impersonators until they vomited their intestines, course there’s always next week.

3/5 “dead flying fucking cows”

You’ve seen it. Or you’ve heard of it. Or you really, probably should have. Tarantino writes it, Rodriguez directs it,  and Salma Hayek/Cheech Marin make it entertaining. And if you’re an uber geek then Tom Savini just makes it incredible. Is it watchable? Hell Yeah. Is it fun? Of course. Is it schlock? hmmmmmmmm….

Well it certainly has: a strip tease with an enormous albino python, beer poured down a naked leg while Tarantino licks it off her toes, Demons, Vampires, Cadaver Guitars, and Phallic Weapons

It doesn’t have: a low budget, B-caliber cast; romantic subplot, or zombies…

And while we had a wonderful time watching it… it definitely felt like a departure. It was odd to watch a movie that was actually made with Dolby Surround in mind, had CG that was passible, and the budget to pull the whole damn thing off. But it did have a lot of love for the genre and was really a wonderful homage to (though arguably a lot of their movies are) all the B-grade goodness that came before them.

There’s nothing too offensive about it unless you’re very religious, offended by pedophiles, have an issue with sexism, or are concerned with vampire suffrage. There’s not much gore, and everything is over the top enough to give you a good laugh. As a side note it’s loud enough to cause the movie watchers upstairs to intervene for a sound check.

4/5 pulsating, poplar, phallus points

“Once again, into the breach we go.” That could be a new Schlock night motto. Maybe the review of this movie should start with a disclaimer: The final rating of this film receives one brain for the telepathic dog, and one brain for the ending. There’s a half brain that can go either way because of the catchy theme song. The song certainly sticks with you, (a plus if you’re Jake. A minus if you’re Jake’s significant other.)

The best we could figure at the end of this movie was they had a premise and an end in mind, and then they went on a journey to put something in the middle. Then I found out today it was based on a novella. And they left out things like injecting Blood (the dog) with dolphin spinal fluid. It was brilliant on some levels, painfully slow in others. 5/9 of us stayed awake the whole time.

What the movie has: A whole lot of a boy and his dog walking; a subterranean, caucasian, face-painting, robot breeding society; an underground sunrise; schlock within schlock; an evil woman who tempts men; and oh yeah, a sperm sucking machine

What it doesn’t have: A suave protagonist (“Why’d they have to cut her? She could have been used two or three more times”); A female character that isn’t an evil manipulator (though given the context of the film you can see why)

So given that it has a 6.6/10 on IMDB should you go watch it? Flip a coin. If it’s tails skip it, if it’s heads consider it. There’s definitely some merit here, and the end of the movie did get a laugh from those of us awake. There’s no doubt it has some fucked up moments. If you have real issues with misogyny do yourself a favor and pass. If you’re looking for a crowd pleaser and a good time I’d start somewhere else.

2.5/5 Test Tubes of Sperm