Brains, Blood, Boomsticks, & Broods

Last night I went rogue. I abandoned the safety of Shlock night and threw in a dusting copy of Hell Comes to Frogtown (plot summary). *(It seems extremely important to note the star of this movie is none other than The Rowdy Roddy Piper. If you were born outside of the eighties that reference is probably completely lost to you. However, all the wonderful over-the-top moves of the WWF (that’s right, before the WWE) are not lost in this heaping pile of shlock.) Suprising myself I spent the first 20 minutes in good laughter as supposedly undersexed women (Spangle and Centinella) fawn over one of “the last remaining remaining fertile men on earth.” The movie is alive with puns and freely pokes fun at itself. Though I don’t think anyone ever thought about taking this one seriously.

Hell Comes to Frogtown

Once the frogs show up, it all goes… badly, but not without a few laughs. There are definitely no surpises here, no amazing special effects (Centinella’s gun isn’t even firing bullets at one point, just noises), and everything you’re waiting for to happen does (in more of a PG-13 than R way though). There are plenty of tidbits to look for, like the member of the harem who is without underwear and when the scriptwriters forgot about his “range sensitive chastity belt.” And oh yeah, it’s rife with Star Wars rip offs. In fact I’m not so sure this wasn’t the rejected script. Let’s see a scantily clad prisoner lady, led around by a neck chain, while large fat gree blobish frogs argue over her. Nope, never ever heard of that one before.

I’m sure there is a lot (?) more to be taken away from this one if you aren’t flying solo with it. However, it was never painful, and I quite often found myself laughing at the absurdity of it. I have few reservations about recommending this one with the slightly ironic caveat that you can’t expect much from it.

3/5 Blue Balls

After chocolate dipping bananas and a freshy baked batch of cockies we settled in for an intimate night of schlock with Lucio Fulci, director of Zombie aka Zombi 2. If you care: (When Romero and then apprentice Argento made Dawn of the Dead Argento released his own cut called Zombi. In an effort to capitalize on some of his success Fulci made Zombi 2) Zombie was schlock night’s first Fulci film and I think the two of us (out of 3) that stayed awake for it had a lot of fun. There’s certainly no depth like Romero, but the realism of the zombies (I won’t even say “especially for 1979) was wonderful even by today’s standards. (Damn! When they ate her liver I almost lost my chocolate covered banana.) The movie certainly goes all the way and appreciation for it is no doubt enhanced by which gender you like to see nude, and if it’s men well then you can subtract a .5 brain from the review.

The Great Eye Poke

Most impressive is the shark vs zombie scene. Now infamous in it’s nature, but no doubt worth every bit of attention for the reality of some poor insane bastard, dressed in makeup and fully clothed swimming around with a live shark as he attempts to bite its rubbery belly. I just hope his arm wasn’t bitten off for real, Fulci would have kept that scene, no doubt.

The dialogue is attrocious and dubbed over and over, apparently due to the accents of the original actors. And speaking of accents this movie has them from all over the globe. Where exactly are the Antilles?! By the accents of the actors they could have been in India or Mexico… you never knew….

The special effects and lighting are really nice, and you can feel Fulci’s love for his creation. No social issues are tackled here, and a lot are created, but generally that’s what makes shlock. We debated a lot on the final rating for the evening and settled on a solid:

3/5 Maggots (mmmmmmmm…)

Add pimp to the title and then it really would say it all. The synopsis can be read here, but you really don’t need add much else to the title to get the plot. We held a zombie and stripper event for this night (unfortunately not as action packed as we’d hoped) with a double feature of Zombie Strippers. Hands down this was the better movie. Most likely the entire movie was shot in one night, possibly all on the same tape. But it has character, and that’s worth something when you have 10 people to laugh at it. The most memorable character has to be Johnny “Backhand” Vegas the “heroic” pimp that goes around, you guessed it, backhanding all the zombies. Unless you’re a big Emanuelle fan you probably won’t recognize any of the actors, and even if you are you may not. It’s low budget there’s no doubt, and it certainly won’t make any appearances in your Feminist Literature class, however it has all the feel of a couple of peeps who really love the genre creating. Strippers Vs. Zombie has heart, but not that stupid RomCom silly fairy princess heart. Just ask Johnny. If you have the sense of humor and a lively group it’s worth the stab.

Writer’s revelation: I was reading some of the reviews of this moving and people were faulting it for: having pink blood, using the word “strippers” to sell the movie, and an overall low budget. 1)If you have a crappy budget, you have a crappy budget. It’s not your fault. 2)If you’re special effects are going to suck you might as well make them really suck… as in pink blood 3) If you expect a movie to be good because it has Boobs, Strippers, Cocks, or sex in the title… well I’ve got some bad news for you…

Rating: 2.5/5 Backhands

“This is poultrygeist where the blood keeps spilling…” and with those words Poultrygeist became one of those instant Schlocknight classics. The visuals are disgustingly absurd, the writing only slight less offensive than a snuff film, and a moral that only Troma could attempt to pass off. Poultrygeist crosses the line so far you can only help but laugh, and laugh, and puke, and laugh some more. (Plot summary here) Truly though you have to have a incredible (or incredibly fucked up) sense of humor. It’s best watched in a group of friends so you make fun of whoever had the nerve to pick it up off the shelf. The bottom line is it’s a low budget, volunteer cast doing a b-grade musical about undead chickens. There is more puke, shit, and green gooey crap than there is blood in Dead Alive. It has everything a B-grade lover can want, but I WARN you… don’t watch this film and then try to get your friends to watch it. You’re way better off being able to say “That’s disgusting! I had no idea this was in here!” (Remember the first time someone had you watch “2 Girls 1 Cup”?)

Yup.

If you’re fortunate enough to get ahold of 3-Disc version the last disc is karaoke sing-along of the songs in the movie. Normally I’m not a huge special features fan, but we’ve spent more than one night singing the theme song to Schlockers who have moved to far away lands. I can’t say I’ve watched this movie a second time. It will happen though, it’s one of those inevitabilities of schlock… Watch out for the CLAMS (Collegiate Lesbians Against Mega-conglomerations)!

“you’ll be eaten alive by zombie chickens toniiiigggghhhtttttt….”

5/5 Drumsticks

Bruce Campbell has a well established seat in the B-Grade hall of fame. His chiseled face defines hero as much as his ability to say boomstick with a straight face. If there was a zombie crisis there’s no one you’d rather turn to except maybe Max Brooks, except Bruce has shown us how to kick ass not just told us. Really in our collective apocalyptic minds there could be nothing better than a couple of fringe teenagers seeking out Bruce to do exactly that in real life. (That’s the premise for the movie). The budget for this movie is there. And if you worship Bruce there’s plenty of inside jokes to keep you going. However if you haven’t seen Evil Dead then back away from My Name is Bruce and add Maniac Cop to your stack while you’re at it. What isn’t in the movie is a horde of zombies (only the monster Guan Di, who has a catchy theme song that will stick in your head) or a chainsaw. FOR THE LOVE OF BRUCE… how do you have a Bruce tribute film (what this truly is) without a freakin’ chainsaw?!?!

We certainly had a good time watching My Name is Bruce. I would have to say though, if I was going to throw it in again I’d probably reach for Army of Darkness, Evil Dead (1 or 2), or even Bubba Ho-Tep first. Maybe Sam Raimi’s return to our side of the fence will bring about another collaborative classic…

2.5/5 smoking boomsticks (If only because our expectations were so high)