Brains, Blood, Boomsticks, & Broods

It’s certainly been a while since I’ve added to the collection of “movies” we’ve watched, however that doesn’t mean I haven’t been watching. No. In fact, as kids everywhere were hunkering down in dreams of what they would wake up to the next morning I was fighting to stay awake through The Breed. As a result of that movie and the next two I have to warn you away from I’m beginning a new crusade for 40 minute schlock.

Don't fall for the poster. It's not this exciting.

Here’s why:

The difference between schlock and crap is a very, very fine chemically fluctuating line. However, it does exist. The Breed fell solidly on the wrong side of that line, and no amount of shifting it could change that. The Breed had a budget, but lacked heart, inspiration, good kills, any interest in it’s characters, or anything fearsome or unpredictable about it’s Cujo wannabe’s.

It does take a lot of extra time to try and explain the two brothers relationship and their car. Similar to many other movies that fail on the same grounds it keeps adding words where it needs action and blows it’s budget on getting the crew to the film location. It is light on gore, and doesn’t deliver on suspense. I can’t so it’s the worst movie I’ve ever watched or am about to write a review on, however my desire to stick with format supercedes my desire to skip the next portion of the review. So here goes:

What it’s got: Angry puppies that belong to angry dogs, who are genetically experimented on, “highly” intelligent, and pissed off; trust fund kids; old actors playing college kids; way too many minutes spent on bikinis, drinking, and mixed up relationships; something with Wes Craven’s name on it

What it needs: The first half hour cut down to 4 minutes, the next half hour cut down to 10 minutes, and the last half hour cut to 26 minutes.

I know I sound excessively critical for a two brain movie, but it’s not bad enough to be good either.

2/5 chewed ropes

When was the last time we heard about a movie involving a professional wrestler and two kids trying to save the world? Oh that’s right, Spykids. How did that one turn out? I didn’t watch it either.

The unfortunate thing about Santa’s Slay is that it starts off with some promise. James Caan sits at the head of the dinner table, there’s some adulteress fingerbanging going on, and Bill Goldberg pops out of the chimney to wreak some havoc. The rest of the movie is a little too concerned with trying to develop the origin of this Santa and how to deal with him. And when it’s not concerned with an origin story you could care less about the movie feels more like Santa’s WWF (Yeah I remember when it was still a sport) than a slay. The movie does have some good laughs interspersed through it, but on the whole it’s a little too hokey and not enough schlocky.

Admittedly Santa’s Slay was my first foray into the evil Santa genre so I can’t tell you how it stacks up compared to Santa Slasher, Christmas Evil, Black Christmas or Silent Night, Deadly Night. Maybe I should dedicate the rest of the holidays to those or maybe not. The one caveat to this review is I did watch this one alone. It wasn’t part of a schlock night, so it probably has more entertainment value if you have a group to laugh at it with. Though we watch a lot of crap, and I think you’ll still find this one on the lower end because of the hokey premise and fairly uninspired kills.

What it has: A stripper lovin’ preacher, a new take on the origins of Santa, a lot of screen shots of a book you can’t read, use for crappy christmas gifts, a lot of wrestling moves that can kill, flaming coal, and a reason to tell your kids why Santa doesn’t come anymore

What it doesn’t have: Rudolph, very much gore, a reason to care about the main characters, a police force, or a low budget

If you have friends there are probably other horror comedies I would pick up first. However, if you still have those friends after watching quite a few horror comedies I imagine you could have a decent time with this one.

2/5 curling stones

Tokyo. Check. Gore. Check. Police. Check. The title is the plot summary. The plot is any combination of the three words in the title used to construct a scene. 24 hours later I still can’t tell you exactly what happened so I’m going to review this movie as fellow schlocker Greg (on his return from the placid hills of Itally) suggested:

What we leared from Tokyo Gore Police:

1) Japanese culture has some serious issues to resolve.

2) It is possible to desanguinate a body without spilling a drop.

3) If you find yourself in a brothel in Tokyo and they take you to a back room with chairs and straps, run.

4) Police are always corrupt.

5) Somehow, 3 quarters of the way into the movie, an even gorier killing spree happens.

6) Certain tumors allow body parts that are damaged to regenerate as weapons.

7) Darth Vader is that you?

8 ) “Hand Gun” is now a pun

9) It is possible to cut off a face with a wine bottle

10) Tarantino would be jealous of the umbrella scene

11) Alligator Vaginas, Lotus Flower Female Ejaculation, and a 4 Foot mutated penis that fire “bullets” fit within an R rating, but pubic hair doesn’t

12) We should have watched it with subtitles

Watching Tokyo Gore Police a mere few weeks after Sars Wars has me realizing Asian cult films are light years ahead and on the other side of a very large cultural gap. I’m not really sure how to rate TGP. However, I suspect that it’s entertainment increases as your awareness of Japanese culture does. Also it is one nonstop gore fest of bad special effects. It starts with a homicidally, deranged, chainsaw wielding mass murder; climaxes with a police crime spree; and finishes off with the hero? killing all the bad guys who had killed all the good guys. Oh yeah… I’m trying to say there is no down time, it’s all blood, all action from start to stop. Fun for the group, not for the family.

3.5/5 chewed up caterpillars (why? oh why?!?!)

Some dude props up a home video camera in his house and films a movie that has people screaming across the nation. I couldn’t avoid it. The allure was too strong, and I was hoping to make up for the teen tragedy that was the newspaper spoiler of The Blair Witch Project. So I didn’t read anything about it, and the only trailer I saw was the same one you probably have of audiences across the nation screaming.

The preview could have been me. I screamed like a little girl… with a sailor’s mouth.

Spoiled or not Paranormal Activity left me satisified and questioning the noises in the dark… at least for a night. It was successful to me for lots of reasons. While we all suspend belief a fair amount walking into the movies this one didn’t require it. Nothing on screen was that far-fetched except for the ending (which was about 15 seconds too long). It actually made me wonder if it was a similar experience to seeing The Exorcist back in the day. The pacing was really nice, and the characters were pretty believable except for the usual horror movie hubris. However, what drives most of the movie is the audio. If you don’t have a home theatre, surround sound, X-74V Dolby, Ear Massager then stop reading this review and go see Paranormal Activity while it’s still in the theatre, which brings up the downside.

I’m not sure this one will translate on DVD, and I’m really sorry I waited until there were only 15 people in the theatre. This movie is one of those rarities that is actually an experience, and the more you can suspend your disbelief and immerse yourself (leave the cynic at home) the more fun you’ll have. Your nerves will stand on end in anticipation and you’ll definitely stay up later that night questioning whether that noise was the cat.

What it has (no spoilers): a demon, spontaneous combustion, a douchebag day-trader boyfriend, a girlfriend he should have left, lots of sounds you hear every night, and lots of annnnn-ticccccyy-pashun

What it doesn’t have: a big cast, credits, gore, or a reason it should have cost more than $45 to make

It’s definitely a lot of fun, but there probably isn’t a lot or replay value.

3.5/5 swinging chandeliers

After a little haitus we returned to schlock night with Trick r Treat. Rue Morgue had an extensive write up a couple of months ago reviewing, touting, and really pushing this timely Halloween release. After seeing Trick r Treat it was pretty easy to understand why. Buildup in these scenarios usually leads to a let down, however in this case it was well founded.

Unfortunately we had a small audience (just 2), but as the appetite for schlock waned we still had a good time. This was due in no small part by what the director chose to leave out. Trick r Treat doesn’t fall into the pitfalls and traps that normally drag potential horror greats down. In fact one of the most bizarre aspects of the movie is the lack of explanation, and it works oh so well.

How many times do you leave a movie thinking to yourself “why did they tell/show me that”? Not here. In fact you’re more likely to leaving going “who the fuck was that?!”. There were no rules to this movie and no explanations. Michael Dougherty has obviously been paying attention to all those times that the audience groans and his 80s horror lore. On top of that he interwove the four tales really well. It’s nothing new in that respect, but as Jake and I sat back afterwards we couldn’t think of any loose ends. Albeit we didn’t try that hard as the image of a demonic pumpkin with  a burlap head kept intervening.

It’s got it all: Vampires, Werewolves, Zombies, Ghosts, Beheadings, dismemberment, dead children, dead adults, sexy death, alcoholic infused haze death, backyard burials, dead puppies, dangerous candy, demented authority figures, vomit (chocolate and bloody), some really nice special effects, and a town that is going to have a lot of houses for sale

That said it’s missing: cheesy plot wrap ups, happy endings, Frankenstein, Count Chocula, a lot of gore (oh but the vomit will get you), context, any semblance of overexplanation, or a reason not to see it

Just thinking about it I want to go watch it again, because I’m thinking of things that I didn’t connect the first time around. Go see this homage, pop some popcorn, a couple of brews and have a good time.

4/5 carved eyes (they’re the hardest part you know)

Nope. No misspelling here. Sars Wars is a riotous zombie epic from the opium rattled mind of Thai filmmaker Taweewat Wantha. Well I made the opium part up, but when you watch the movie you’ll see why. Sars Wars has no problem poking fun at itself or Thai culture in general. That said, our (being the group I watched this with) collective experience of Thai culture ends with peanut sauce and a comment Rob made about “transgender capital of the world” (though unconfirmed, played an important role in the film). All those parenthetical remarks are me trying to say: if you have any experience with Thai language or culture this film probably triples in satisfaction, and we laughed the whole way through.

The film was exciting because you had no idea where it was going to go (see opium). The kills were original, the characters were slapsticky, and there were even some really nice camera angles. More than a movie Sars Wars felt as if you were watching filmmakers have a good time and they also happened to be good at it. It was schlock as schlock was meant to be enjoyed.

The only thing that kept this movie from being over the top perfect was  the language barrier. Flipping back and forth from the subtitles to the action created a lag in a couple of parts, but nothing to scare you away from picking this one up.

What it had: Mascot Homicide, Battery Operated Light Sabers, Men in Women in Men in Women, creative use of iron (see above), fast zombies, excellent costumes, zombie snake

What it doesn’t have: a long spoof of Star Wars (thank you), over explanation, overextended personal epiphanies, Hugh Grant

Go see it!

4.5/5 virus laden mosquitoes